For reasons best known to her and the Lord, Alaska governor Sarah Palin tendered her three-week notice to her employers on July 2nd. Her last day in office will be July 26th, at which time Lieutenant Governor and public cypher Sean Parnell will be sworn in as her permanent substitute. Current soundbites from her relatives and lackeys fail to confirm if she lined up any job prospects prior to veering off her career path.

Palin’s farewell address, now available on the official Alaskan government site (AOL Keyword: “Mooseworld”), cites her frustration with the fifteen (successfully refuted) ethics investigations that each wasted state taxpayer money, her disappointment with everyone else’s preoccupation with “local/superficial wasteful political bloodsport,” and her desire to make a difference in the world from a vantage point subject to far less cynical scrutiny. It also includes a basketball analogy instead of a hockey analogy, random CAPS-LOCK keystrokes for emphasis, and the phrase “hell yeah!”

Palin’s folksy demeanor and trademark candor are especially evident in elucidating her decision to leave her job with dignity and respect instead of just clinging to it and faking her way through every soul-sucking shift like a common American cubicle dweller:

“…I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks…travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade — as so many politicians do. And then I thought — that’s what’s wrong — many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and ‘milk it’. I’m not putting Alaska through that — I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old ‘politics as usual.’ I promised that four years ago — and I meant it.

“It’s not what is best for Alaska.

“I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.”

Nightly.net’s ambassador to Alaska, The Human Torch, could not be reached for immediate comment. An official statement is expected shortly, though some speculate it might not include the word “coolbeans”. Until then, share your memories of her administration, second-guess her ulterior motives, and submit job offers for Todd Palin in our Politics forum today!

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