posted
This show has been rated SPOILER for the Piers Anthony Series Bio of a Space Tyrant. Proceed at your own risk.
ShadowDog: Hello everybody, I’m your fabulous host, ShadowDog! Welcome to our first season of The Book Club Show, that show where we bring in authors and Nightly members to discuss various hideous novels! And it all happens right after this message!
We recently went to a local bank to give the parents and other old fogies waiting in line the Nightly Music Challenge! Here are some of the results!
‘Hello sir. Would you like to take the Nightly Music Challenge?’
‘Um, okay.’
‘Great! Now put these headphones on. I’m going to play two selections for you. One of them is going to be the simulated sound a pig makes when you ram a red hot poker up it’s butt. The other will be Brittany Spears. The challenge will be if you can tell the difference.’
‘Okay. … Oh my god! Oh! That was awful! OH!!! That was hideous!’ <rips headphones off> ‘I have a headache!’
‘Could you tell the difference sir?’
‘No, I couldn’t. My ears are bleeding! Goodbye!’
****
‘Okay ma’am, put these on here. Embrace and the sound of a backed-up toilet flushing.’
<incoherent screaming> ‘Take them off! Take them off! The pain!’
‘Could you tell the difference?’
<shudders> ‘No.’ <sniffles>
****
‘Okay, just fit them over your ears there. That’s it. Audioslave and the mating scream of a rabid spider monkey on PCP.’
‘Ayyyyyyyyyyie! Oh God! AGHHHHHHHHHHH!’ <rips off headphones and ears> ‘They both came from the pits of Hell. I couldn’t tell the difference.’
So there you have it, kids! Proving once again that Nightly Net’s Music Forum can tell you about all the music that will best annoy your parents! Teenagers! Bring your disposable income to Nightly Net’s Music Forum! We’ve been pissing off parents for 7 years and counting!
(no rabid spider monkey junkies were harmed in the filming of this commercial)
ShadowDog: And we’re back, and let’s meet our panel. Our first guest is prolific author Dean R. Koontz!
Dean R. Koontz: You have a nice, quiet Green Room back there. I just wrote six novels while I was waiting to come out here.
Crowd: WOO HOO!!
ShadowDog: Our next guest is frequent Book Club poster, Jaycie!
Jaycie: What up?
Pirate KFJ: Argh, and a fine lassie she bes!
Crowd: Lassie?
Jaycie: Hey! You had your 15 minutes! Sit down!
Pirate KFJ: Argh. Just Argh.
ShadowDog: Our next guest is the only entity on the planet to not find Piers Anthony tedious, Simon the Sock Monkey!
Simon the Sock Monkey: What the >:-#? I must notta understood the question! I find Piers Anthony more tedious than having a root canal while bouncing around inside a mine cart headed over into the Grand Canyon!
ShadowDog: And finally, we have Mara Jade Skywalker!
Mara Jade Skywalker: One short joke and everyone here is banned for life!
ShadowDog: No danger of that. We prefer a higher brow of humor on this show. For instance, what weighs eight pounds and won't be plucked next Christmas?
Mara Jade Skywalker: What?
ShadowDog: John Denver's Guitar.
Rimshot: Holy >:-# dude!
Mara Jade Skywalker: I’ll ban you so hard your grandchildren won’t be able to post here!
ShadowDog: Moving on, we’re here to discuss the Piers Anyhony series Bio Of A Space Tyrant. What did you think of this series, Mr. Koontz?
Dean R. Koontz: Well, any discussion of a Piers Anthony novel begins with his character names. The title character is named “Hope Hubris.”
Mara Jade Skywalker: Um, what did you say?
Dean R. Koontz: I swear that’s his name! And he was an optimistic egomaniac!
Simon the Sock Monkey: Aw, man, that’s awesome! What were his sisters named, Faith and Spirit?
Dean R. Koontz: Yep.
Simon the Sock Monkey: …
Dean R. Koontz: Seriously. Faith Hubris and Spirit Hubris.
Simon the Sock Monkey: Um, well, I know I’m just a sock monkey and all but that’s pretty ****ing stupid.
ShadowDog: Well, we could make a living just mocking Piers Anthony’s retarded character names. I could grab any of his books at random and find six brainchrushingly stupid names. There’s no sport in that. So let’s move on to the “plot” of this series.
Jaycie: Well, it breaks down like this. The “universe” this series takes place in is our solar system in the future, but established like Earth in the 1960s during the cold war. So Jupiter is North America, with the shining floating cities representing the United States, the Red Spot represents Mexico, and-.
Mara Jade Skywalker: No no no! He didn’t have the Red Spot of Jupiter represent Mexico!
Jaycie: Unfortunately, he did.
Mara Jade Skywalker: Subtlety is not exactly his middle name, is it?
Dean R. Koontz: No, I prefer to think of his middle name as being *****!
Jaycie: Anyway, the moons of Jupiter are the Caribbean and Central America. In fact, in one of the middle novels he has some despot taking control of a moon and flipping the bird to the “United States” so the “United States” tries to invade the moon using local dissidents but then withholds space navy support at the last second so that this rebellion fails. 30 years later this despot is still in control of the moon except for one “United States” space navy base.
<crickets chirping>
ShadowDog: Is this incident referred to later as the “Bay of PIEs?”
Jaycie: You know it.
ShadowDog: >:-# How ’bout a commercial?
Hello. Have you ever had the unique sensation of a footlong hotdog with chili, cheese, cole slaw, mustard, onions, and catsup being shoved up your ass sideways? I have! I was in New York City last year and I ordered a footlong hotdog with chili, cheese, cole slaw, mustard, onions, and catsup, but then I changed my mind and told him I’d rather have it with just chili, cole slaw, mustard, onions, and catsup. Then, as the burly man at the street stand was making it, I changed my mind again and decided I wanted it with chili, cheese, mustard, onions, and catsup. And he gave it too me with chili, cheese, cole slaw, mustard, onions, and catsup on it! I was outraged so I told him I wasn’t going to pay for it. And that is when I experienced the unique sensation of having a footlong hotdog with chili, cheese, cole slaw, mustard, onions, and catsup shoved up my ass sideways. So I sought out Snidely Stevens and he got me the hot dog stand AND 30 million dollars! And Snidely is suing the owner again for shoving the hot dog stand up my ass after he lost in court! Snidely WILL FIGHT for you! He did for me! If you’ve suffered massive food trauma in the past four years, call Snidely today!
ShadowDog: And we’re back! So when we left our story, Piers Anthony had created a bunch of retarded names and ripped off 1960s history and geography to take the place of actual science fiction and fantasy world building. So what about the actual plots of the novels?
Jaycie: The first novel in the series is actually pretty good, everything we mentioned aside. It follows Hope’s family as they leave their impoverished moon and try to sneak into the “United States” on a refugee ship filled with a couple hundred people. As this ship drifts towards the “United States” it is continuously attacked by Space Pirates.
Pirate KFJ: Argh, that bes the spirit!
Jaycie: Each attack is worse than the previous one. Hope’s family is killed off one at a time, all the women and children are raped, and eventually it comes down just Hope, his girlfriend name Helse-.
Simon the Sock Monkey: Helse?! Helse!?!
ShadowDog: We really don’t have time to dwell on retarded names-.
Simon the Sock Monkey: No, I’m sorry! I can’t take this anymore! <dome explodes>
Jaycie: <brushing bits of sock off her blouse> When just Hope, Helse, Spirit, and a handful of kids are left, it gets even worse. Spirit is abducted by more space pirates, then Hope is forced vent the atmosphere of the ship to kill off even more pirates, which also kills the love of his life, Helse. The first book ends with Hope being the sole survivor and being accepted as a refugee into the “United States.” This all works pretty good, and if you stopped here you might not regard this series as a vile blight on science fiction.
Dean R. Koontz: But then Piers had to go and screw it up. All the gory violence and good hearty rape (and there was tons of both) in the first novel wasn’t good enough. In the second book we get the “Tail.” You know how in the real Navy the bathroom is referred to as the “Head”? Well, in this space navy they have the Head, but they also have the Tail. Which is where the female sailors are forced into prostitution and the male sailors are forced into engaging in it. Once a month every sailor has to have sex with another sailor, and this takes place in the Tail.
Rimshot: The Tail? And I thought that John Denver joke was bad.
Dean R. Koontz: Also, Hope has to marry various women to get ahead in his career, including a wedding ceremony with a pirate wife in which he has to brutally rape her or the pirates won’t consider it a consummated marriage.
Mara Jade Skywalker: There are vile worms crawling around in Piers Anthony’s brain!
Dean R. Koontz: I haven’t even gotten to the worst part! Hope eventually rescues his sister Spirit and spends the rest of the series wrestling with his secret desire to have sex with her.
Mara Jade Skywalker: Shades of Robert Heinlein. So apparently when these old senile science fiction giants finally lose the last one of their marbles, they do it in spectacular fashion.
Dean R. Koontz: You know it. I haven’t even mentioned that Hope tracks down this woman who looks just like Helse and stalks her until she agrees to marry him. He has no interest in her personality, obviously, he just wants someone who looks like his dead lover!
ShadowDog: Well, we’re about out of time. Any redeeming qualities in this series?
Jaycie: I can’t think of a thing. Reading the phone book would be more enriching.
Dean R. Koontz: If you simply must read it, stop after the first novel and you’ll go away vaguely satisfied. Kind of like stopping halfway through a bag of movie popcorn.
ShadowDog: Yeah, its no fun once the butter and salt run out. >:-# Okay, let’s have it. Thumbsup or down?
Mara Jade Skywalker:
Dean R. Koontz:
Jaycie: for me ... and look! The Sock Monkey’s bit of thumb is facing down!
ShadowDog: Moist Excellent. Time now for our Parting Shots. In tonight’s case I’m the only one with a shot because it is so long.
When did answering machine greetings get so tedious? I heard this answering machine greeting recently:
"Hello, you've reached" (they give their number) "Sarah and I can't take your call right now. We are either gone or unavailable. But if you'll leave your name, number, and reason for calling after the tone we'll be back in touch with you as soon as possible. Have a nice day."
This exhausting 30 second greeting breaks every answering machine rule in the book! What did it just tell us that was necessary?
Answering machines have been around for about 30-40 years now. If nothing else, they have been depicted in hundreds of movies and TV shows. No one on this planet who has ever used a phone has not been exposed, at least a couple times, to an answering machine. Tibetan Monks have heard an answering machine greeting or two in their time! So some things should be obvious and don't need to be stated. Let us go through this message again:
"Hello, you've reached" (they give their number) "Sarah and I can't take your call right now.”
Well obviously Sarah and him couldn’t take your smegging call right now OR THEY WOULD HAVE! You’d be talking to them right now instead of listening to their horrid greeting!
“We are either gone or unavailable.”
Well, yeah, it does have to be one or the other, doesn’t it Captain Obvious?
“But if you'll leave your name,”
Answering machines have been around for four decades now. It took a couple decades of vigorous marketing, but people no longer try to use answering machines to toast bread. Everyone now knows that you should only use them for leaving your name! If someone doesn’t know that by now, they need to be locked up for our protection.
“number,”
Someone calling will know whether or not you have their phone number. If they are so impaired they have to be reminded to give you their number, you do not want to EVER talk to them anyway. Trust me on this one.
“and reason for calling”
The reason they’re calling is they want to talk to you! DUH! If you had picked up the phone this time you wouldn’t have had any advance notice of why they called, now would you? If you’d have needed to know why they were calling before you talked to them, they would have let you know BEFORE this phone call!
“after the tone”
As opposed to leaving their message BEFORE the tone? Every answering machine in existence uses a beep or tone to indicate when to start talking. It has been this way since Dick Clark was young.
“we'll be back in touch with you as soon as possible.”
Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Your cold, recorded, assurance doesn’t make me feel any more confident in hearing from you.
“Have a nice day."
Pork you! Tell me in person!
Who wants to sit through 30 seconds of this tedium just to leave a ten second message? “Hey Sarah, I got my test results today. You can breath easy and start using a comb again!”
Next time you record an answering machine greeting, do the world a favor and simply say “Start talking!” We can figure out the rest for ourselves. >:-#
Mara Jade Skywalker: It’s the little things that drive us into homicidal rages.
ShadowDog: Oh my, look at the time! That’s our show this week! Join us next time when we’ll talk about some other horrible novel I haven’t decided on yet!
“The Book Club Show is brought to you by Dime Loafers! Now you can own expensive crappy shoes! By Sloppy Seconds, a new kind of completely affordable gourmet restaurant! And by Slappy the Adult Clown, he’s the party favor you’ve been looking for!!”
“Um, well, I know I’m just a sock monkey and all but that’s pretty ****ing stupid.”
-------------------- Don't hate the PIE, hate the PIEmaker. Posts: 2385 | From: Greensboro, NC | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
i read somewhere that he put out a sixth book in this series which is basically a rehash of the first five books told from Spirits POV. what a hack.
funny post!
-------------------- I've read more books than you. Posts: 133 | From: Your Local Library | Registered: Feb 2006
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Trila Trtat
Something to do with Sigh Snootles
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