EVERY GENERATION
HAS A LEGEND.
EVERY JOURNEY
HAS A FIRST STEP.
EVERY SAGA
HAS A...WHAT THE F*CK?!
IT'S CRAP!(initially released in August of 1999), complete with restored original footage and enhanced special effects. It's the version Invisible Boy envisioned when he first created this piece of crap.
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Invisible Boy(director): The first thing that really bugged me was that I had actually lost the script to It's Crap! I was seriously pissed off. All my hard work had gone down the drain. But when I was cleaning my room, I actually found it under my bed. It was all dusty and stuff. In order to make it good enough to read, it required me and my crew of 50 men to blow all the dust off.
Cut to a scene with a bunch of guys blowing each other.
IB(director): Oh my God what the f--
Cut to a scene with a bunch of guys blowing on pieces of paper
IB(director): As you can see it took a lot of man power. My other goal was to improve the special effects. For that you'll have to talk to my special effects guy. (puts on a hat and turns the camera around 360 degrees)
IB(special effects guy): What really bothered me was the crappy special effects. Because in the first film we had no money so we could only use what was in the recyclables. So all we had to work with was a tomato sauce container, a milk carton, and a couple of cans of Pepsi. For this edition we actually got to use old Snapple bottles. I mean c'mon its made from the best stuff on earth, you can't lose. Another thing that sucked was in the scene when the dildho ship blew the republic cruiser to smithereens. The ship didn't actually get blown to smithereens, just in three big pieces. We used two Pepsi cans and the tomato sauce container to make it. So when it blew up we just took all the tape off and dropped it on the sidewalk. With the new Snapple bottles we were actually able to blow it to smithereens. To get this effect we had to carefully plan and all that stuff. It took us two weeks to get this shot down.
Cut to a scene where a ship is blown to smithereens.
IB(sfx guy): Yeah that was a b!tch of a shot. This is how we did it.
Cut to a home video of a guy smashing a Snapple bottle into the sidewalk.
IB(director): We also wanted to get that guy from the 7 UP commercials into the film. So we superimposed him in some of the scenes. Having him in it also gave us enough money to buy erasers for our pencils. Here's a scene with him in it.
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Master Pimp: we're going to Barbie Island. Get ready, and hurry up will ya?
Dr.Evil: Why the hell are we going to Barbie Island?
7 UP Guy: Make 7 Up yours.
Master Pimp: Cuz RogueOne said so.
Dr.Evil: Fair enough. Let's go
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IB(director): Did you see how flawlessly he was put in? It was like he was in the original It's Crap!. Well that's enough to from me. Here it is. It's Crap! digitally rebastard for your reading pleasure...
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V
"It's Crap!"
Turmoil has engulfed the Republic. A new Pimp has take over the Empire. Armed with a new superweapon, he is a big nuisance and must be stopped.
Unknown to everyone, there is a leak in the Galactic Senate. But then it was fixed by Mario the plumber. Very expensive and so much work but... where was I? Oh yes...but there is another leak. Someone who smuggles information and Colt45 to this new Dark Pimp.
Meanwhile on $%^&*, a new Pimp is being trained. Supposedly 'the chosen one', when he completes his training it is said that he will be the phattest Pimpdaddy of them all. Togethere, he and his master are the only hope left...
Camera pans down to $%^&*.
Squats2K: yes master. i think i'm ready.
Emperor Oji Bwa: alright here is your lightsaber. complete with silver blade and a handle shaped like a nude woman. have fun.
Squats: kick ass!! i've got to show Opata.
Oji: alright your training is over for today.
Squats runs down the hall to Opata's quarters. They have been friends ever since they were little.
Squats: look! i got my lightsaber and the handle is shaped like a naked woman!
Opata: thats great! i got mine today too. its got a gold blade and the handle is shaped like a naked Ewan Mcregor. my Master Yo-gurt gave it to me.
Squats: ewwwwwwwwww!!
Meanwhile above the planet of Lando a republic cruiser prepares to land. The captain of the ship is jedi_loser. His crew consists of R.C.Allen, Dark Lord of the Sith(DL), and darth_shanks.
jedi_loser(JL): what did you see?!
DL: i saw a long hot dog shaped ship.
JL: what did it do?!
DL: it disappeared sir.
R.C.: thats impossible!! i think he's had too much Colt45
DL: i swear to Lando thats what i saw!
shanks: maybe he's telling the truth.
JL: oh great now your on his side. what the f*ck is up with this?! i'm the freakin captain for Lando's sake.
R.C.: captain! we've got incoming!
JL: where'd it come from?!
R.C.: out of nowhere
JL: what?!
R.C.: you heard me. i think DL was right.
JL: (thinking) that *******
shanks: look! its one of those dildho ramming ships!
DL: what the f*ck? it just disappeared again.
JL: i think we've found out what the Empire's secret weapon is. Only Mace Window has dildho ramming ships and only Invisible Boy can make things invisible! we must contact $%^&*.
shanks: yes cap--
Just then the dildho ramming ship appeared again and rammed the cruiser. The cruiser was blown to smithereens...
Back on $%^&*
RogueOne: have we heard from the cruiser yet?
Sith Shady: no sir. wait. incoming message.
Rogue: put it through.
Mysterious Voice(MV): you upset me Rogue. you almost made me sh*t in my pants.
Rogue: who the hell are you?
MV: i dont know
7 UP Guy: make 7 Up yours
Rogue: what do you mean you dont know?
MV: just shut up and listen. i'm very upset with the task force you sent here. it was too easy.
Rogue: what was too easy?
MV: destroying them of course. i'd think that for the leader of the Empire you would at least send Pimps. well it was nice chatting but i've got to wack off, i mean i've got things to do. out.
Rogue: wait. damn! did you get the trace on that?
Shady: yes. it was from the Lando System.
Rogue: the Lando System?
Shady: thats what i said right?
Rogue: dont be a smartass. i wonder who that guy was? we'll need to send another team. call Mr._KissKissBangBang and Jedi Cool. tell them to get their ship ready. and call Sqauts and Oji too. if he wants Pimps, he can have Pimps.
Shady: yes right away (whispering) just because he's the leader blah blah blah this blah blah
Rogue: what was that?
Shady: oh nothing
Rogue walks down the hall and runs into Master Pimp
MasterP: is there something wrong?
Rogue: the Empire is more dangerous than we thought. we're gonna need some help. you and Dr.Evil&Mr.Bigglesworth must go get help.
MasterP: but Mr.Bigglesworth is at the vet getting neuttered.
Rogue: than you and Dr.E go.
MasterP: where?!
Rogue to get help dammit!!
MasterP: where should i get help?
Rogue: anywhere. go to Barbie Island for all i care. just go!
MasterP: ummmm.. ok
MasterP runs down the hall to Dr.E's room and enters.
MasterP: we're goin to Barbie Island. get read. and hurry up will ya?
Dr.Evil: why the hell are we going to Barbie Island?
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
MasterP: cuz Rogue said so.
Dr.E: fair enough. lets go.
MasterP: your going in your underwear?
Dr.E: yeah you got a problem with that?
MasterP: yes! id ont want a have naked guy running around in my ship.
Dr.E: fine. biatch...
On Planet Lando...
Invisible Boy: come in buddies.
Darth Slay, Dot and Tomcat enter the room.
IB: Admiral Tomcat what's your report?
Tomcat: ummmm... i stole some vodka from the republic vodka truck. but then i drank it all (hiccups) excuse me.
IB: dammit man! you are in charge of the Imperial Navy! you dont go around hijacking republic vodka trucks! ok whats your report Lady Dot?
Dot: just chillin'
IB: cool.
Tomcat: hey! why arent' you yelling--
IB: shush
Tomcat: but--
IB: shush
Tomcat: I--
IB: shush
Slay: enough already!
Tomcat and IB: sorry
IB: ahem...whats your report Senator Slay?
Slay: your shipment of Colt45 has come in.
IB: good. very good. muahahahahahaha!
Slay: why are you laughing?
IB: oh...but i thought i was supposed to...
Dot, Slay and Tomcat: what an idiot
Dot, Slay and Tomcat: JINX!!
Dot, Slay and Tomcat: DOUBLE JINX!!
Dot, Slay and Tomcat: UNIVERSAL JINX!!
Meanwhile on $%^&*...
KKBB: (comlink beeps) yeah i'm here. you want me to go to Lando? that place sucks ass! hell no!! your gonna pay me? kick ass! yo! JC we're going to Lando.
Jedi Cool: dammit! i dont wanna go to Lando. i've heard scary stories about that place. i'm not going anywhere.
KKBB: we' gettin' paid!
JC: f*ck the stories. lets go!!
KKBB: and another thing. they're sending two Pimps to come along with us.
JC: dude that sucks. i hate Pimps. they think they know everything.
KKBB: but remember we're gettin' paid.
JC: kick ass!!
In space right above $%^&*...
MasterP: you ready Dr. E?
Dr.E: hell yeah. lets split.
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
MasterP: alright. Barbie Island here we come.
On Lando...
Mace Window: i'm back.
IB: i never noticed you where gone.
Mace: very funny sh*thead. i just rammed a republic cruiser with my dildho... ship.
IB: damn i hate thos things. when people realize its you and me working together they're gonna freak. but remember we're working together for business, not pleasure!
Mace: is there anyway i can change your mind about that?
IB: hell no sh*tbrain!
Mace: damn. well it was worth the try. oh yeah and i captured everyone on the cruiser.
IB: dammit. i thought i told you to take no prisoners.kill them all!
Mace: but the one is soo cute. his name is jedi_loser. you know i have a thing for losers. well anyway, i contacted General RogueOne.
IB: does he know its you?
Mace: no but he' gonna freak out when he sees me again. uh oh. its coming. my cravings. seizures starting...
Mace stops and gives IB a funny look. No not funny, a seductive look...
IB: dammit, guards! get in here! Mace needs the patch.
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
Just then two guards, Actor09 and styx-boy, come in and stick a huge patch on Mace's ass.
Mace: ahhhh. thanks i needed that. these cravings keep getting stronger and stronger.
IB: just shut up and make sure it doesnt happen again.
At the Barbie System...
MasterP: there it is. Barbie Island.
Dr.E: thats crazy. Barbie Island's a planet? but its called Barbie Island, it should just be an island.
MasterP: yes but the natives are stupid.
Dr.E: then why are we coming here for help?
MasterP: cuz Rogue said so, duh.
Dr.E: oh yeah i forgot. there, that looks like a good place to land.
MasterP: ok lets go.
They land and head out into the strange world of Barbie. They stumble onto a clearing with hundreds of crates of Colt45.
Dr.E: i must be dreaming. look at all the booze.
MasterP: no talk (he's already downed three bottles in record time) just drink.
And they start drinking Colt45. After about 500 drinks they start to get drunk.
MasterP: i forget why we came here.
Dr.E: we were supposed to get help i think.
MasterP: ahhh f*ck it. lets just stay here and drink.
Dr.E: sounds like a good plan.
Just then there's a rustle in the bushes. Out comes Stargeek ruler of the Barbie people.
Stargeek: stupid people.
MasterP: hey whazzzzzaaaaaaaaaap?
Dr.E: hows it hangin? get it? hows it hangin'? hahahahhahahahhahaha (nobody laughs, except for MasterP, as this is obviously some kind of joke you only get when your drunk.)
Stargeek: foolish males. you think us Barbie are so dumb (out steps hundreds of hot half nekkid women) we named this place Barbie Islnd so you would think that we were stupid. and then we set up this Colt45 trap for any males that want to drop by. and now boys. you are our slaves. muahahahaha
MasterP and Dr.E: hahahahahahaha!!! (they dont know what the hell's going on but they just go with it.)
And all the females rush MasterP and Dr.E, tearing off theire clothes and putting chains and handcuffs on them...
In a hangar on $%^&*...
KKBB: alright the ship's ready. when did they say they'll be here?
JC: any minute now.
KKBB: alright. i cant believe we're getting paid to do this.
JC: i know. that tight.
Just then Squats and Oji walk in.
Oji: hey guys! lets get this sh*t started.
Squats: yeah lets get this sh*t started
KKBB: ok lets get on board. thats my ship right there.
Oji: is it fast?
KKBB: you've never heard of the Live and Let Die?!
Oji: should i have?
KKBB: its the ship that made the Crap run in under 500 moon tocks. its fast enough for you.
Squats: ok enough talk. when are we gonna get this sh*t started?
KKBB: ok lets go.
Voice: wait!!
JC: what do you want?
Voice: Rogue and I are coming too.
JC: greatE! the more the merrier. and who are you?
Voice: my name is...
JC: who?
Voice: my name is...
JC: what?
Voice: my name is Sith Shady.
JC: welcome Sith Shady. where's Rogue?
Rogue: right here lets go
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
On Barbie Island...
Stargeek: take them to camp four.
DQ Amidala: yes maam. you two, come with me.
MasterP: of course. we'll always take commands from a pretty lady like you.
Amidala: shove it!
Dr.E: alright where?
Amidala: oh god. they're still drunk. alright you two. in there.
MasterP and Dr.E are locked up in a cell with two other people, SoloTM and Sith Lord Indigo.
Solo: howdy cell mates.
Dr.E: colt45 trap?
Solo: yep. me and Indy have been here for...how long again?
Indy: a year next week.
MasterP: damn. what do you do here?
Indy: well..they strip search us every week and feed us occasionally. but we have to wash dishes and vacuum.
MasterP. damn! but the strip searches are worth it.
Solo: you got that right
They were never heard from again.
On Lando...
Dot: good morning people. here's your breakfast.
jedi_loser: gee thanks.
Dot: your luck IB isnt letting Mace anywhere near you.
JL: what?
R.C.: i hate this place. why dont you let us go?
shanks: shhhhh
DL: uh oh this isnt good. everyone holds their breath
Dot: aww and i suppose you want me to give you a kiss while i'm at it.
R.C.: that'd be great. everyone sighs in relief
Dot leans over and gives R.C. a kis on the cheek.
Dot: i just gave you a kiss...
R.C.: i know. you so silly.
Dot: the kiss of death. muahahaha
R.C.'s brain melts on the spot.
In space above Lando...
KKBB: alright whats the plan again?
Rogue: we land. infiltrate the building and kill whoever's inside.
Squats: good plan. did you think of that all by yourself?
Rogue: shut up!
Oji: dont tell him to shut up.
Rogue: i can tell him whatever i want to.
Oji: no you cant!
Rogue: yes i can!
Oji: no you--
Shady: shut up!
JC: yeah both of you shut up. we're trying to play chess. your ruining our concentration.
Oji and Rogue: sorry.
KKBB: your gonna have to postpone the game. get ready for landing. and one more thing. there are alternatives to killing...
On Lando...
IB: your sure they're coming?
Slay: yes. Rogue had a big meeting at the Senate.
IB: excellent. its going according to plan.
Slay: what is your plan anyway?
IB: i dont have one. i thought i was supposed to say that.
Slay: what an idiot. i'll tell everyone to go to their stations.
IB: yes and send my other secret weapon here.
Slay: what is this new secret weapon anyway?
IB: something irresistible to all men. my natalie portman and eva haberrman clones.
Slay: ingenius.
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
IB: of course...
Somewhere else on Lando...
KKBB: ok we're going in.
They all go into the building. Tomcat is waiting for them.
Tomcat: i knew you'd be here
Rogue: its Tomcat. leader of the Navy.
Shady: i've heard about this guy. give him vodka and he wont be a problem.
KKBB: this is a job for Bond, James Bond. but since he's not here, we'll have to settle for the next best thing...me. what would you like Tommy?
Tomcat: vodka martini. shaken not stirred.
KKBB: good choice. here you go, that'll be $50.
Tomcat: what?!
KKBB: you heard me. its either that or nothing.
Tomcat: fine. here you go.
tomcat sits down indian style with the drink.
Tomcat: now its just you and me Mr. Vodka. we'll have a great time won't we?
Oji: ok lest keep going.
Squats: yea lets get this sh*t started.
They go down the hall and find Actor09 and styx-boy.
Actor: halt.
SB: you are under--
Oji: quick, give them your lightsaber.
Squats: but--
Oji: just do it.
Squats gives them his lightsaber.
Actor: gee thanks mister.
SB: oooh naked chick on the handle. let me fondle her breats. gimme gimme gimme.
Actor: no he gave it to me.
SB why you...
Actor and styx-boy get into a fist fight.
Oji: that takes care of that.
They go down the hall and take a right. then a left right away. there should be a sign that says Pimp's Room. they follow the marekers to the entrance of the room...
Oji: look! its natalie portman.
KKBB: and eva haberrman! (begins to drool)
Natalie Portman: follow us boys.
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours
And KKBB, Oji, Rogue, Shady and JC follow them. Squats being the 'chosen one' resists temptation. Plus he's gay.
Squats: guys! where are you going? this isnt funny. dammit! goddamn mother <edited due to content> b!tch! i'll have to face whoever this Pimp is alone.
Squats enters the room and sees a funny looking kid.
IB: ahh. you must be Squats. the phattest Pimpdaddy in the galaxy.
Squats: why yes. i'm flattered.
IB dont be. Slay, kill him.
Squats: Slay?! you traitor. we were friends.
Slay: your right. IB you can shove it. you face him alone.
IB: fine be that way. (turns invisible. and starts punching and kicking Squats who cant even see him. Slay looks away but cant help it. she must help her friend.)
Slay: Squats!
Squats: i'm kinda busy here.
Slay: i know how you can beat him. here take this. its the Lens of Truth. i used it to beat Bongo Bong in Zelda 64. i want you to have it. (throws it to Squats. Squats catches it and can now see IB. then he beats the living hell out of IB.)
Suddenly the door bursts open. Mace Window comes rushing in.
Mace: need men!!
IB: no. Actor and styx-boy were supposed to give him a patch.
Squats: oops. my bad.
Mace charges at Squats but he dodges him. And Mace runs right into IB. And he does gay stuff to IB. The screams are loud. Too loud.
IB: get the f*ck off me!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Squats: lets get out of here...ahh my ears!!
Slay: my brain is gonna burst.
And right there, Squats and Slay's brains burst. And the screams are so loud that everyone else in the building suffers from brain burstania too.
IB is killed by Mace. Mace then goes through the whole building and brings the bodies of the men to the Pimp's Room.
Mace: ahhhhh. so many hunks, so little time...
7 Up Guy: make 7 Up yours. allow me to take this time to introduce myself. my name is Jon Favreau AKA the 7 Up guy. i would just like to promote my new film that is coming to theaters on August 11. the film is called The Replacements and it is about football teams going on strike and getting a ragtag group of people to replace them. in the movie you'll see me dance a lot. so remember make 7 Up yours. peace out my brothas.
THE END
[This message has been edited by Invisible Boy (edited 08-06-2000).]
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