Topic: Day 4: The E! True Hollywood Story of Pimp Wars
Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
E! True Hollywood Story: Pimp Wars
It was a story unlike no other. Ahead of its time in complexity and sheer zaniness Pimp Wars and its many spin-offs became one of the most successful non-pornographic series in Internet history. The tale of war4theunderdog, Cantankerous Jedi, Master Pimp battling the evil forces of the Sith and their puppet leader the evil Emperor Sherman captivated millions of people across the world and making millions for people who were already rich. But for those who lived the life of Pimp Wars, not everything was so rosy.
Pimp Wars was the brain child of the comedic team of war4 and Tank. From early on in their days as stand up comedians on the prequels boards, one could feel the purely heterosexual love the two men had for each other.
Master Pimp: I remember the first time I saw these two guys on stage. I went to the nightclub and my date, man she had this tight ass and huge jugs and I knew I was going to nail her. Then I saw their act and for a split second I forgot about nailing this chick. I immediately came to my sense and we went back to her place to do it. But when I left her that morning before she woke up I thought to myself that if the right script came along and a large paycheck was attached to that script, we needed to work together.
Little did MP know that the two had written a screenplay together about the smartest janitor in the world. Soon realizing they had just written “Good Will Hunting” they scrapped that idea and came up with Pimp Wars. Master Pimp quickly came onboard and the three pitched the script to numerous studios. The three actually pitched it as a intentionally funny “Good Will Hunting” and that MP was like Robin Williams without all the disgusting hair. Finally New Line Pictures optioned the movie
Unnamed New Line Exec: Hell, we had made so many bad movies by this time we were looking for anything. I mean it couldn’t be any worse than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.
Pre-production began on Pimp Wars but the budget was small and numerous script changes were attempted by cautious executives, slowing down the process.
War4: The beginning was a disaster. The studio thought Tank cursed to much and kept taking out his obscenities, which were the very foundation of the Tank’s character. And the budget was so small that the first shot of the Maltese Falcon made the original Star Trek effect look like Attack of the Clones.
War4 and Tank won out and the script remained intact as casting began. The studio wanted other people to star as war4 and Tank, upsetting the creative team even further.
Tank: The studio felt if Tank were going to cuss so much, a true professional needed to be brought in. They tried to get Ozzy Osbourne, but he was too busy hocking merchandise and cleaning up dog sh!t. Few people know this but Christopher Walken actually did a screen test for the role of war4theunderdog. I really didn’t care who played me but war4 being the egomaniac that he is demanded we play ourselves.
Casting continued for other characters such as the love interests for war4 and Tank. For these roles to young unknowns were chosen, Opata and GCosmic.
Opata: I basically got the role because I was the only one who would check to see if the cuffs matched to collar on war4.
GCosmic: I played the “love interest” for Tank during the early series. We always had this cold relationship on camera. But underneath that was this warmth that could only come from the fact that we were f*cking each other like rabbits off the camera. I mean he was in my trailer more than I was if you know what I mean.
Tank: Yeah, I nailed her.
Next came the casting of the bad guys. Primary to this was the casting of two people, Sith Lord Indigo and Stargeek.
SLI: When I auditioned for the role I really never knew what to expect. They said they wanted someone with experience as a clown. I never went to clown college or owned a small car, but I was the stunt double for Bozo the Clown on WGN in Chicago for a year. Next thing I know I’m playing this evil clown guy.
Stargeek: I was promised this really pivotal role in the story, but my lines we cut in the first story because the director thought it best to extend the scene where Tank and GCosmic are playing twister in spandex dresses. So what are you going to do?
Pimp Wars was released in early June of 1999. Critical acclaim was only matched by box office numbers. The huge success of Pimp Wars ensured that the rest of the saga would be made. But success took a toll on the stars and the creators.
When we come back, Pimp Wars becomes a national phenomena and the stars begin to fall apart both on and off camera.
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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Walken: Thees is my Ego, we're talkin' about. I sat...ina grass hut... for thirteen years with this ego in my asss. And you want me to--
CUT! ROLL THE OZZY FOOTAGE!!!
Ozzy: D..D.. dyou know 'ho I am? I'm the ****ing prine of darkness. I... i van mrm msm ammrmr ****ing ****, SHARON!
CUT!
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Director: "Ok, Stargeek let's take things at your pace. First let's get you in an even higher pair of boots. Great, now bend over. Good. Now do that thing with your mouth, you know the one that got you this audition? Great. We are done here."
Stargeek: "Uhmmm.... what about my lines? Don't you want to see the character template I have created? I have some really great ideas on how Stargeek became an agent of evil...
Director: "No, no thanks we have all we need from you. You will be contacted through our people regarding shoot dates. Just take care of that Ass.. it will be getting a lot of close ups."
-------------------- The absence of limitations is the enemy of art Posts: 3940 | From: L.A. CA USA | Registered: Jun 1999
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Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
E! True Hollywood Story: Pimp Wars Part II
With the success of the first Pimp Wars, production of the second installment began immediately. The second proved to be just as big of a hit. A third and final story ensued with an ending that both shocked and amazed audiences.
war4theunderdog: Basically Tank and I decided we would end the trilogy without and ending. Most people write stories with actual conclusions, but we felt creatively the a cliffhanger to a trilogy was the right way to go.
Many fans wondered if their would indeed be another Pimp Wars story. But creatively war4 was exhausted. The board was soon filled with other successful story series.
Other things complicated the series continuing. war4’s on screen wife Opata was killed in a tragic cheese grater accident. Master Pimp, a pivotal figure in getting Pimp Wars started had begun his own successful company, Pimpfilm Ltd. G Cosmic disappeared all together, supposedly running off with a man named Jose to an island somewhere in the Pacific. The last and final straw came when co-creator war4 left Lando forever. Well, actually until he came back. Then he left again, but he came back. I think you get the picture.
At this bleak moment Tank came up with an idea: a prequel series. The five part epic re-introduced Lando to the characters it loved and set up a rich back story. It also amazingly pulled all the living main characters back together by luring them with enticing deals that included cuts on the box office and merchandising. Said merchandising exploded onto the scene. Garnering critical acclaim and support from diehard fans, the prequel series was as entertaining as the first but not as lucrative. It also gained criticism for the graphic ending where war4 was sitting on the floor eating Skip clones. Most of this criticism came from Skip’s mother, a long time crusader against the Lando System.
Skip’s Mom: I can’t believe people allow this crap to be posted. I mean they were eating clones of my son. All the vulgarity and nudity I can understand but cannibalism is where I draw the line. And then they market this stuff towards kids.
Tank: In retrospect perhaps the aggressive marketing campaign we started before the prequels was a little too much. I mean personally how much Pimp Wars stuff can one afford to buy?
Master Pimp: I lost a small fortune on this movie. I got paid union scale and was given box office cuts along with merchandising money. But I really lost money on the Pimp Wars condoms. The guys said that once chicks read these stories they would want to f*ck anything that moved and they would want whatever it was moving to wear Pimp Wars condoms. Unfortunately no one wanted to have sex after seeing war4 eating Skip clones. Marshmallow Skip Clones sold great but Stargeek got those. I can’t believe I turned down a chance to be in Lord of the Rings for this.
When we come back, more trouble brews for the cast and crew of Pimp Wars.
war4: At one point I weighed nearly 500 lbs.
-------------------- Out
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
This reminds me of the story of the yogurt squirting phallus...
-------------------- He's tall and he's dark, And like a shark, He looks for trouble, That's why the zero's double, Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Posts: 11781 | From: Lots of different places... | Registered: Jul 1999
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posted
Yes, the heavy drinking started just around this time if I am not mistaken.
-------------------- The absence of limitations is the enemy of art Posts: 3940 | From: L.A. CA USA | Registered: Jun 1999
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Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
E! True Hollywood Story: Pimp Wars Part III
The prequel series were a turning point in the Pimp Wars saga. They proved that the franchise was still successful, even if not as successful as before. This led war4 and Tank to create Special Editions of the first three Pimp Wars. Using new digital technology the two punched up weak lines and updated special effects that had become outdated in the month following their original release. Pre-production began on Pimp Wars 4. Once again success was short lived.
Master Pimp, still bitter about losing money on the condoms agreed only to appear in future Pimp Wars as a small cameo role. This lead the way for new characters to be introduced. But more shocking news was about to come.
After production for the prequels ended war4 faced a serious problem. He had acquired a love of food, but especially human flesh. The problem grew as did war4’s waist line. Soon war4 had gained hundreds of pounds and was bed ridden.
war4: I had a very serious problem on my hands. At one point I weighed nearly 500 lbs. My arms were so heavy I couldn’t lift them to write. I couldn’t get up. I laid in my own urine for days on end.
Finally war4’s friends (including Tank, MP, Stargeek, Sith Shady and Richard Simmons) held an intervention for him. Soon war4 was down to his normal weight and Pimp Wars 4 was released. Quite successful the fourth part resolved the trilogy’s cliffhanger kinda. Work on another sequel began.
At this point it was now Tank’s turn for trouble. Tank was arrested by the FBI on 13 counts of child endangerment and kidnapping for the jailbait he was holding in his secret “sexual dungeon”. The FBI also erased all the porn on his computer, taking with it the last remaining copy of the prequels. Since Tank was a celebrity he was only sentenced to 1 year in a minimum security prison and has since reappeared after staying away from the limelight.
Tank: I’m not proud of the fact that I was arrested for such a terrible crime. I am also thankful for Johnny Cochran’s “If the girl was a ho, you must let him go” defense which sparred me years of being someone’s prison b!tch. But I tell you what. I will continue to boink any young women I can, even if I have to move to Tennessee to do it.
The fifth installment of Pimp Wars was a Christmas Special. The original script was turned down due to its heavy reference to Biblical events. The script was revised but still contained many core elements which the studio disagreed with. Ultimately after threatening to pull out altogether the studio agreed on the script.
Unnamed Studio Executive: The script was raw and edgy, which is exactly what Hollywood doesn’t need. We pride ourselves on the nice sterilized movies we produce. Then there was the part with the talking dog that didn’t know what sex it was. I mean who wants to see a talking CGI dog? Nobody. That is the exact reason I turned down the live action Scooby Doo movie. Talking CGI dogs will never fly in this town.
(Said Unknown Executive was recently fired after the large opening weekend garnered by Scooby Doo)
The Christmas Special also drew cries of Anti-Semitism. The controversy surrounding the work caused many to turn their back on the series. The Christmas special is rarely seen and has been sold on e-bay for as much as five dollars a copy.
war4: Maybe that episode was a mistake?
When we come back, financial troubles hit the Pimp Wars series and the cast looks back on the series and its impact.
-------------------- Out
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
Crucify one person on a can of Colt 45 and you never hear the end of it.
-------------------- Read My Film Snob Reviews -------------- crysmabob: why must everyone be dumb crysmabob: case in point: nightly.net Posts: 13694 | From: LA | Registered: Jun 1999
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Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
E! True Hollywood Story: Pimp Wars Part IV
The money spent on CGI Roly and low box office returns left War4entertainment strapped for cash. Most of Tank’s assets had been liquidated by the federal government after his arrest. war4 was on the edge of bankruptcy as well. The only other partner in the company, Chris Sherman, had just gone broke after funding the Kevin Costner movie “For the Love of the Game”.
Chris Sherman: I was told that the Christmas special was going to make us all wealthy so borrowed heavily and invested money in this picture. I mean thought everyone would come running to see Costner play baseball again to see Kelly Preston naked. How was I supposed to know that if people wanted to see Kelly Preston’s beautiful floppy boobs all the had to do was rent Jerry Maguire? Now look at me. I live in a cardboard box in an alley. I lost my left nut in a terrible shopping cart accident and in ten minutes I have to go catch a rat so I can eat supper.
In stepped PAX TV, who wished to pay war4entertainment for the rights to Pimp Wars. War4 and Tank were upset that the network wanted to remake the movies having Billy Ray Cyrus play war4 and Dick Van Dyke play Tank.
war4: PAX TV, which is just a corporate ***** of NBC’s, wanted to destroy the series that I created. I couldn’t allow them to do that. So after I sold them the rights to Pimp Wars 6, which allowed me to stay afloat, I stood beside my principles and told them no way in hell.
PAX TV and War4entertainment are still in legal battles over the rights to Pimp Wars 6 which has never left the pre-production stage.
In stepped an old friend. Master Pimp, who’s Pimpfilm Ltd. had made him huge dollars, salvaged War4entertainment and allowed the Pimp Wars saga to be posted on his landosystem.com website which opened up the story to a new generation of posters. He even agreed to return for Pimp Wars 7.
MP: war4 owed me a lot of money before, but now he owes me a sh!tload of money. But what’s a few million between friends? I think I can say for everyone that war4 owes us money and he better pay up before they have to fish his bloated ass out of a river.
Although there may never be another Pimp Wars story, it’s cultural impact still remains and the impact on the people who lived it also remains.
Darth Slay: You know how many horny guys still IM me trying to get me to send the nude photos since I’m so hot. And no I will not let you put that in my mouth. Get over it boys.
Stargeek: I’m glad my character really showed how smart a women in skin tight leather can really be. I’m proud of that. Unfortunately I’m typecast in this town as a dominatrix, but at least I’m a smart one. Oh and Tank please pick up your sh!t from my house. Mr. KKBB: I get all kinds of chicks because of this work. Then they see my really small penis and it’s all over.
war4: I am the greatest. I am the greatest of all time. I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Tank: When do I get f*cking laid. E!, you promised me Asian *****s if I did this. Where are they?
THE END
-------------------- Out
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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Any questions? Posts: 525 | From: the end of the world to your town. | Registered: Oct 1999
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Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
That ought to be epic.
-------------------- Out
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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War4: When you guys do the Actor's Studio, don't forget to tell the hilarious story that involves Puke, a hot over rated amusement park and the three of us. They love those wacky little tales.
-------------------- The absence of limitations is the enemy of art Posts: 3940 | From: L.A. CA USA | Registered: Jun 1999
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Master Pimp
Secretary of Pimpdaddyness
Member # 287
posted
The best part of that trip for the rest of us was photographic proof that indeed war4 and Tank were two seperate people.
-------------------- Out
I was not here. You did not see me. You were dreaming. I exist only in the dark corners of your mind!
International Hater and Professional Slapper of Punk A$$ B!tches Posts: 9192 | From: In the dark corners of your mind | Registered: Jun 1999
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Host: In the 30th century, in the hall of GREAT PAST ENTERTAINERS, there will be two busts of the finest, most genius, most amazing men ever to grace the silver screen. I speak of War4 and Tank, who offered the small service, of redefining the universe.
-------------------- Read My Film Snob Reviews -------------- crysmabob: why must everyone be dumb crysmabob: case in point: nightly.net Posts: 13694 | From: LA | Registered: Jun 1999
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MP: BRILLIANT! ACCOLADES FROM THE GALLERY ABOVE!!!! (falls on floor)
-------------------- Read My Film Snob Reviews -------------- crysmabob: why must everyone be dumb crysmabob: case in point: nightly.net Posts: 13694 | From: LA | Registered: Jun 1999
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MP: Keeping in that same vein of conversation, what is one word that absolutely drives both of you insane?
War4 & Tank: Women!
Tank: Yes, especially all those Scorpio B!tches ! rrggh....sorry War I didn't mean you..
War4: Oh, whatever Tank.. you are going to get the subzero Deep Freeze from me now..I won't argue I won't get pissed I won't do anything but BOY will you feel like sh!t!
MP: Uhmm.. yes.. yes.. boys.. now let's keep in mind why we the most elite of this crap ass drama twinkie school are all gathered together
Tank: Oh f@ck you!! I am out of here
Throws body mic down.
War4: Me too
MP: WAIT! WAIT! I have a whole stack of 3x7 Index cards I haven't gotten to yet....
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