posted
Amidala777, Darth Bane, Darth Kenobi, Darth Krawlie, Eclipse, Jedigoat, Kung Fu Jawa, Lightsabre, Maddox, Milkman Dan, Mr. KissKissBangBang, Sith Shady, Tusken Raider, UK Legend Killa, and xdflwr IN:
REVENGE OF THE OLDBIES: A New Lando Story, 49 Minutes in the Making. By Amidala777.
With Appearances From: Agent George (CGI), Beer Baron of Canada, Boba Sweat, Chris, Darth DiCaprio, Darth Slay, Dr. Evil, Elijah's Babe, Godfather of Soul, Jedi Apprentice, Master Pimp, Oji-Bwa, Opata, Stargeek, Tank, war4theunderdog, and Wessan.
--------------------------------------------------------- Warning: So I hear Lando is now a ‘PG-13’ board. Well, be that as it may, this is more explicit than a ‘PG-13’ story. If that bothers you, just don’t read it. ---------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 – A Rude Awakening.
Light years from the nearest system, parsecs from the nearest galaxy, and at least millions of kilometers from the nearest star, one small spacecraft could be found, blazing through time and space at impossible speeds. The craft—known as the Blonde Bueno Cruiser—flying at 20x light speed zipped through space’s infinite vastness, but still drawing only barely closer to human habitation. This craft, a small, used, and honestly—fairly dingy, craft struggled to keep up with the throttle commands its commander gave. The hyperdrive whirred obediently, however, and for now the craft remained stable on its course. Its course, as indicated by the outdated NAV computer model on the dashboard, was the Lando System. An outdated model, without even a digital readout, but one that still functioned. And right now its readout read: “ETA to destination: 2 hours, 21 minutes.” Jedigoat rearranged his cloak (“Goddamn these cockpit seats were never f-cking comfortable”) and took a sip from his 40. Looking to his right he eyed Lightsabre, who angrily just stared at JediGoat. “What? You’re still not talking to me? For christ’s sakes, come off it,” Goat said. “Hey, f-ck you man. This isn’t a small deal, ok? Do I have to remind you that you just f-cking dumped out 250 cases? I have rent due this week, you motherf-cker!” Sabre replied. “Do I have to go through this again? That goddamned imperial cruiser popped out of nowhere… I didn’t have a f-cking choice. We woulda never made the jump to hyperspace if we didn’t dump, and the f-cking cruiser had its turbolaser locked in on us.” “Not if I controlled this piece of junk!” “Oh, what? You? You gotta be f-ckin kidding me. The last time you piloted anything I ended up with $3000 of repairs, not to mention this chair arm lodged up my ass!” It was just then that the cockpit door opened, and the third crew member entered, her hair back in a pony tail and wearing the traditional pilot’s coveralls. “Ahh… xd… morning… hey, we’re still over 2 hours away, why you up already?” said Goat. “How the f-ck was I supposed to stay asleep with all this noise up here? What the hell is going on?” said xdflwr. “He dumped the cargo,” said Sabre immediately. “He what!?” xd replied, face in disbelief. “Look… it happened when you were asleep, ok? This cruiser popped out of nowhere and I…” xd interrupted, “I don’t give a damn what popped out! We’re already $800 in debt if you forgot! This better be a joke!” “No joke… trust me, I wish it was,” said Sabre. “Look, let’s try and chill, ok? I’ll try and score a big load next week and I’ll make it up to ya. Bueno? Now, we got the shindig coming up tonight, so let’s just get drunk and forget about it. We got more important things coming up,” replied Goat. “What? Like you trying to get laid? You and I both know that’s not happenin,” said xd, “F-ck, even Sabre got laid at the last shindig, Goat. You know, you’re not that ugly, look at him!” she continued, pointing at Sabre. “Hey, f-ck you, b!tch!” snapped Sabre. The spacecraft continued along its course, not wavering in direction or angle, slowly but surely closing in upon the Lando System—the arguing inside completely inaudible from outside. As it marched on through the vastness of space, the hyperdrive just continued to whirr, barely running but keeping up.
* * *
Inside the cavernous room that was the throne room of the Lando Palace, Darth Bane smiled settling into the large leather seat, drinking a rum and coke. His face was barely visible as his entire body was clothed in dark, black cloaks; the hood drooping menacingly over his face. In front of him, the room featured a panoramic window array, overlooking the main metropolis of the Lando System. As the Palace was the largest skyscraper on the planet, Bane was assured an always breathtaking view of the planet and city. For miles around he could see other skyscrapers, aerocars zooming left and right through the urban canyons, and looming far in the distance—the Colt 45 factories themselves. God damn, Bane thought, it’s f-cking good to be emperor of Lando, as he smiled again and took another sip. Just then the door behind him whirred open as another man entered, looking slightly disheveled, cloaks a little ruffled, but still a man that carried the aura of authority with him. He walked up to Bane, giving a slight cough which drove Bane out of his daydream. “Ahh, Darth Krawlie, and not a minute too soon,” Bane said. “I wanted to give you an update, Bane, our army stands ready, and awaits your commands,” Krawlie replied. “Excellent. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. Soon, Lando will be destroyed!!! With everyone gathered at the shindig tonight, it’s only a matter of time!” and with that Bane let out a chilling, if clichéd, stream of maniacal evil laughter, complete with a shaking of the fist. “Pardon me, Bane, but I’d be lying if I said I still don’t understand your motivation for this attack. It’s…” Bane interrupted, “You are a f-cking fool, Krawlie. You never f-cking see anything unless it’s laid out in front of you. Lando is a danger, Krawlie, and it’s a danger that must be rectified. You may be co-emperor, but we both know that if you were in total control of Lando, chaos would run amok! This is what has to be done, Krawlie! I will see the destruction of Lando if it’s the last thing I ever do! Now get the f-ck out!” Krawlie started to leave as Bane called out, “Oh and bring the band back in here! I’m getting f-cking bored.” “Damn it, Bane, you made Weird Al perform the Running With Scissors album 20 times yesterday… can you give the man a rest?” “Hey f-ck you, he’s to do what I say!” “Fine… is there anything else you want?” Krawlie added with a sarcastic tone. “Yes, actually. An apple caramel lollipop. Now get out!”
Chapter 2 – The Hawaiian Spring Break comes to a halt.
Approximately 88 miles away loomed Master Pimp’s mansion, a truly impressive and intimidating structure on the top of Lando Bluffs, overlooking the main metropolis. The house and surrounding gardens, pools, gazebos, and personal spaceport stretched out to many, many acres. The house itself was an odd structure, some parts resembling a Gothic cathedral, others a Japanese temple, and finally the front/entrance—an art deco mansion in the style of a Miami Beach druglord’s. Spotlights surrounded the house, their beams seemingly just pointing around in random directions, but giving the events a Hollywood flair. And there were people everywhere. The main gates to the mansion laid wide open and aerocars, personal spacecraft, and landspeeders could be found occupying every inch of asphalt. The crowds were outside, inside, and in the pools near the house, with a can of 45 in just about every hand. There were no signs or banners to mark the event, but everyone knew what was occurring—the highly anticipated Sixth Birthday Lando System Shindig—the Hawaiian Spring Break. As JediGoat’s landspeeder pulled up to the entrance of the house, hearing the bass coming from within the place, he noticed the crowd seemed particularly drunk that night. Opening the glove compartment and stuffing a box of Trojans in his pocket, he made a personal resolve to finish the box that night. The passenger door opened as xdflwr left the craft, a drunken partier placing a lei around her; she was followed by Sabre, who had another drunk person practically shove a bottle of 45 in his hand. “Goddamn,” he stated as he walked off in the direction of the hot-tubs, noticing that at least 5 girls there were completely naked. Goat and xd headed up to the front door of Pimp’s house where a scene seemed to be unraveling—a young boy of no more than 17 was arguing with the bouncer, Boba-Sweat who was unwavering in his denial of entrance to the boy. “I said already, you f-cking punk, we don’t allow underage drinking here! Now get your minor ass off the property!” stated Sweat. “Why does it matter if I’m a f-cking minor anyhow!? There’s plenty of underage drinking goin on, and besides I just saw you let in Elijah’s Babe. She can’t be older than 16!” the boy replied. “Yeah, but she’s got two tits and an ass! Now get the f-ck outta here!” Goat, who felt sorry for the kid, decided to chime in. “Hey, man, he’s ok. I’ll watch over the guy.” “Look, Goat, it’s nothing personal—but we gotta be stricter with the kids these days. Maybe you didn’t hear about all that business with Skip and what not.” “Hey man, I hear ya, but like I said—I’ll watch over him. Here, how bout this. You let him in, and I’ll call off the debt you owe me.” “For real?” “Yeah sure. I got enough to be worrying about anyway, won’t have time to collect as it is.” “Ok, you got it. But you watch his ass? Right?” asked Sweat. “Sure thing,” and with that Goat, xd, and the kid were allowed entrance. “Damn, Goat, that was uncharacteristically nice for you,” said xd. “Well, I just can’t bear to see a person to go sober at this party. Hey, kid, what’s your name anyway?” “Wessan,” he said, “And thanks a lot man, I owe ya.” “Think nothing of it. As long as you leave this place piss-ass drunk, we’ll call it even,” and with that Wessan immediately headed off for the coolers, not stopping a second to pop open a can. Goat saw xd head off in the direction of the dance floor as he decided to hit the bar, placed centrally in the large house’s front room. Surrounding the bar were tables here and there, some occupied by poker playing, others by beer pong. And finally one towards a darker corner actually had a couple f-cking right in public on top. Goat paused just long enough to see that it was Agent George riding on top, but then realized he was just a CGI creation (albeit realistic). Giving a slight chuckle and a “muddaf-cka,” he walked on. Arriving at the bar, he got a closer view of the dance floor and DJ. Noting there was no real cohesion or coordination to the drunken dancers, Goat nonetheless told himself to remember to give props to the DJ, Maddox, whose mix was perfect. “What’ll it be?” said the Beer Baron of Canada, the bartender, as he approached Goat. “Colt 45, what else, man?” “Heh heh, you got it.” As Goat took his first swig from the 45, setting the bottle down on the bar, he asked, “Damn, Baron, wouldn’t be thinking I’d see ya bartending and all. What happened to the ol’ bootleggin trade?” “Ehh… you know how it is. Times are rough these days. And, besides, you know Pimp pays fairly well. I got no complaints.” “Well, you take it easy man,” Goat said, as he noticed Master Pimp himself step up to the center stage, lightly tapping on the mic. As the music stopped momentarily, and the crowds quieted down a tad, Goat noticed Pimp was looking as well…pimpin.. as usual. Wearing a recently pressed purple suit, a blue velvet cape, and a fedora hat, he was effortlessly suave. “Hey… all, you know, I’ll make this interruption brief. But I had to take a moment to just welcome you all to the 6th birthday Shindig! Remember, you have the right to remain wasted!” Pimp announced, raising a bottle of 45. The conclusion of his welcome was greeted with many a cheer and drink of liquor. He continued, “And, as always, we do have an event this year I’d like to announce. Now I’ll keep it brief, but I want to introduce the “Save the Hoes” drive. Now, we both know this planet runs on the hoes—hell, I’d be outta business if it didn’t—but often neglected are the hoes! These girls, and guys for that matter, work tirelessly to keep the wheels of commerce turning in this place. Now, it brings a motherf-ckin tear to my eye to see these hoes not get their due. Now, I’m gonna tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m putting in a goddam dollar for each colt 45 I down tonight—and they’re going straight to them b!tches. I suggest y’all do the same! Now let’s hear it for the hoes!!” Pimp’s short speech was capped off by a generous amount of applause and general agreement of the Save the Hoes drive. As Pimp walked off the stage and immediately flashed his signature grin at a girl passing by, the music started up again. Goat started to turn back to his drink when a sudden, loud BANG rang out in the room, accompanied by many screams in unison. Goat jumped out of his seat and turned back to the entrance of the room, seeing that the doors had been busted open and the windows blown as well. A couple screams still could be heard as the dust and cloud of smoke settled from the explosion. As people started running every which way, Goat instinctively jumped over the bar and settled behind it, using it as cover as he unholstered his blaster. Goat was trained well enough in the Bueno to know when an attack was happening. As Goat slapped a power pack into the blaster and took off the safety, he heard another wave of screams… but something was wrong. Not all of them sounded human. The Beer Baron slid by next to him, and he took out a blaster of his own. “What the f-ck is going on!?” Goat asked. “I have no f-cking clue!! I saw these… things… just start coming through the doors and windows. They’re assaulting us man!” Goat exposed a couple inches of his head as he peered over the bar. Looking through the gaps of people still desperately trying to run out of the building, he saw no less than 30 zombies stumble through the entrance. The groups of people near the entrance were already dead as the zombies had gotten to them and prepared for dinner. “Sh!t!” Goat said, crouching down back behind the bar, “Zombies!” “Ok, we gotta get out here!” Baron replied. “What about the cases of 45?” Goat said pointing in the direction of the liquor stores. “F-ck! Ok, you lay down some cover fire, I’ll go get the 45.” And with that they both popped up behind the bar, Baron leaping over and Goat taking snapshots at the nearest zombies, taking them down with blasts to the head. Baron ran about 30 feet, when a zombie grabbed him and tore into his neck with its teeth. Goat just wasn’t fast enough, and zombies were pouring into the building. Swearing, Goat scanned the room. Most of the room was vacant now, as most people that had clear routes to an exit had ran. Still, many had fallen already as more and more zombies started entering the house. Looking over towards the dance floor, Goat noticed Maddox was nowhere to be seen. However, he did see xd backed up in a corner, taking shots at zombies and mowing them down. He realized that even though xd was a good shot, there were too many of em—she’d be trapped in a manner of minutes. He leapt over the bar and ran towards the dance floor—taking shots at zombies that got in his way. Finally reaching xd, the two combined were able to finish off the nearest group of zombies with carefully placed laser blasts to the head. "F-ck, Goat, what the f-ck is going on!?” screamed xd. “I don’t f-cking know. But if we don’t get the f-ck outta here soon, you can be sure we’ll never find out!” Goat said, pointing to a wave of zombies only 15 feet away, “We gotta split!” Just then, all the zombies momentarily paused their assault as two larger zombies entered the building. The zombies made a opening for the two, as they walked into the room. Goat noted they must have been the commanders—one was larger than the average zombie, wearing the tattered remnants of what seemed to be a milkman’s uniform and wielding an assault rifle. The other seemed to have formerly been a jawa, but Goat wasn’t sure. Then the carnage started up again, as the regular zombies tore into their meals and stumbled over to new targets, and the two commanders opened fire on the few people left alive. As Goat began thinking his number was up, the door opened suddenly from the left side of the room—the entrance to the sex hall. Elijah’s Babe emerged, hair matted with sweat and only wearing a bra. She only had a moment to wonder what the f-ck was going on as Zombie Milkman turned on her and raised his rifle. “F-ck!” she cried, eyes darting left and right, looking for an escape but seeing herself surrounded. She grabbed the only weapon she had, a used condom, and flung it at Milkman. Smacking Milkman square in the face, he just gave a confused grunt as the condom slid off, leaving a streak of cum behind. EB turned to run but wasn’t fast enough—Milkman aimed his rifle and shot her in the chest. Following EB’s bloody collapse, Milkman and Jawa turned back to where Goat and xd had been, only to find that they had used EB’s distraction as the moment for escape. Howling in anger, they shuffled over to the front of the zombie army, preparing to lead them to the last two humans alive.
* * *
Goat and xd barged out of the back door of Pimp’s mansion, and stopped momentarily to catch their breath. “F-ck me….” xd stated as she observed the destruction before her. Bodies lay on top of bodies in the back yard, with groups of zombies shuffling around on top of them, looking for the plump ones. No less than 50 zombies were strewn about, chewing on flesh, giving satisfied grunts with each bite. The pools were filled with dead bodies and blood; no one seemed alive. Just then, the zombies raised their heads—there were two living humans right before them. As the zombies stood up and began to walk over to xd and Goat, Goat turned around in panic to see zombies start to come out from behind them—from the back door of the house. “Jesus… we’re f-cking surrounded!” said Goat. “No sh!t! Well, at least we go down in a fight!” said xd, replacing the power pack in her blaster. “Yup.. well, here goes nothin. You know, I always…” Goat was interrupted by the load roar of an engine. Suddenly to their right, a landspeeder showed up, blazing towards them. The zombies in the way were crushed in half, not having enough time to get out of the way, as the speeder screeched to a halt right in front of xd and Goat. The door opened to reveal Lightsabre, holding a rifle. “Hurry up, get the f-ck in!” Sabre yelled. xd and Goat wasted no time and dove into the craft as Sabre punched the gas and the speeder rocketed off, speeding through Pimp’s gardens and then out onto the open road. Catching his breath, Goat said, “Sh!t man, just in the nick of time! I guess I owe you, then.” “No sh!t you do. You know, when the f-cking zombies came I debated whether or not to even come back for yo f-ckin ass,” said Sabre as he accelerated the speeder, increasing the distance between them and the destruction behind.
* * *
The next morning saw xdflwr, JediGoat, and Lightsabre at Goat’s residence in the Lando Projects. A fairly dismal place, his apartment stretched the words ‘bare bones’ to a whole new meaning. The dark, plain, concrete exterior of the huge apartment building was only matched in its ugliness by the insides of Goat’s abode. The small 2 room apartment had just gotten running water earlier that month and for furniture contained a couple of old lawn chairs lain about; the entire room was lit by one flickering fluorescent strip. In one corner contained Goat’s only entertainment—a black and white Zenith on top of a stool. The only other furnishing in the place was a faded olive green coach; where xd laid sleeping currently. As xd woke from her slumber, Goat reached for his blaster, startled by the noise—only to see it was her. Putting the blaster back down, he returned his attention to the TV, where the news was playing, and took a bite from a half-eaten McDonald’s Apple Pie he had saved earlier. The news displayed a horrifying montage of clips—flipping from pictures of the destroyed burning city (where a fire had broken out in the areas with the most action) to pictures of the zombie commanders—Milkman Dan and Kung Fu Jawa. It was then that Sabre returned from the kitchenette, carrying a bowl of Wheaties. “You mind turning the f-cking channel? It’s the same old sh!t and we’re 100 miles away from the action,” Sabre said as Goat reached for the remote and gave it a press. “Porn?” xd said in disbelief. “Aw come on, you know we only get 3 channels in Lando: news, porn, and the 24/7 Iron Chef marathon,” replied Goat. Sabre sat down with his cereal, attention clearly on the TV, when he said, “So what the f-ck are we gonna do now?” “Sh!t, let’s just fuel up the ship and fly off this rock!” xd said. “No can do, xd. News just said earlier that Bane quarantined the entire region until he can maneuver his army into place,” said Goat. “Everyone is already dead in the f-ckin city!” said Sabre, “God, I’ll bet that bastard Bane probably started all this sh!t!” Silence returned to the room for a couple minutes, when Goat suddenly had an idea. “You know, there’s one thing we could try. We could go down to the east end… to the Shindigator.” “The Shindigator!? Are you f-cking kidding?” said Sabre. “Look, they may know a way to end this mess. Or at least get us out of the city,” said Goat. “Ok—first off, the east end is more dangerous than the f-cking zombies. Second off, those old bastards at the Shindigator have probably gone senile!” “It could be worth a try..” wondered xd. Sabre sighed, “Ok fine. We’ll pay a quick visit. Lemme finish this bowl up first, though.” As Sabre finished up and Goat packed up some extra power packs and blasters, xd announced she was heading back to Pimp’s mansion. “I gotta see if anyone is alive. Look we don’t need 3 people to go for help, and the zombie army has mainly moved on from the mansion. There could be survivors.” “Sh!t, xd, you’re walking into a death trap,” Goat answered. “I can handle myself,” xd said hoisting her blaster, “Just try not to f-ck up with the elderly.” “Your funeral then,” said Goat, “If they can help us, we’ll come back here in 2 hours before leaving. If you aren’t back by then, we’re leaving.” “Nice,” said xd, rolling her eyes.
Chapter 3 – A journey to the Shindigator.
The east end was a sadly decaying part of the city that was made out to be worse than it really was, but was still no place for an afternoon picnic. Characterized by large old abandoned, and condemned buildings, it was a wonder why they were still standing. The buildings had between 1-2 non-broken windows between them, and perhaps only one building was not covered in graffiti. The empty streets were home to piles of trash, large weeds growing through the cracks, and the occasional corpse. The east end was a once prosperous section of town, but now was only vacated by fugitives, a wandering hobo here and there, people that gathered for a drug deal, and the Shindigator. As Goat and Sabre pulled up to the Shindigator, they saw a large hall well past its prime. The paint had long since faded, the neon lights hadn’t been lit in years, and the only indication of the building’s once prominence was a crooked, dusty sign that said “THE SHINDIGATOR” in faded letters. The sign itself was held up by only one nail in the corner, and seemed ready to fall off. Goat and Sabre entered the building via the slightly ajar door where they saw a room with an inch coat of dust on everything. Tables were here and there and a bar was also visible, though no liquor in sight. In the corner were a couple of video poker machines, which Goat guessed hadn’t worked in years. Goat and Sabre headed towards a table with one dull light bulb swinging above it, where three people sat. A man, crouched over a bottle in Tusken Raider robes muttering to himself, the oldest woman Goat had ever seen rocking back in forth in her chair smoking a non-filtered Camel, and a wiry looking fellow who seemed on the verge of death, clutching a handle of Bacardi 151. “God f-cking damn,” screamed Tusken Raider, “I swear, these goddarned f-ckin kids. They’re f-ckin everywhere, goddamnit. Get off my f-cking lawn, I says to myself!” The woman nodded in agreement, “No f-ckin sh!t there, Lando once wasn’t like this! Dem f-ckin kids brought all this here sh!t! F-ckin bastards. They don’t know, and they’ll never f-cking know how it f-cking was!” “Ami’s f-cking right,” the third man said, identifying the woman as Amidala777, “Back in my day, we didn’t have all this here godddamned f-cking gayness, them’s were the good old f-cking days! What in der f-ck happened!?” “Beats f-ckin me, Sith,” TR said, identifying the third man as Sith Shady. “Cause everyone left you know, that’s there what it was,” said Ami, “Them f-ckin wave of immigrant f-cksticks showed up and this here place went down the f-ckin sh!tter!” “This is true,” Shady said, “Ever since war4 left this motherf-cker, ain’t never been the same!” “What ever happened to that bastard anyhow?” asked Ami. “Last I heard him and Tank gave up their jobs as Colt 45 delivery boys and said they was heading out into the great unknown, searching for adventure….idiots,” answered TR. “Bullshiaat, more like they was trying to pick up some hoes or something,” replied Sith. “Nah, wouldn’t be so sure about that, you know I heard ol’ Stargeek went on with em,” said TR. “Ah well… they knew what they were doing, maybe, leaving this place. Stargeek went with them, though? I guess Tank won’t be needing a change of underpants then,” Ami said, laughing at the inside joke. “It wasn’t just the f-cking people too, y’know?” said Sith, “Our f-cking parties were better back then too! We had them celebrities show up and sh!t! F-ck, they goddamn shindigs don’t have the muddaf-ckin’ godfatha of sowl himself showing up to that sh!t, now do they?” said Sith. TR and Amidala nodded in agreement, as Amidala said, “You know it’s everything! Have you heard that goddamned infernal racket them whippersnappers listenin to these days? That sh!t that passes as music?” “No f-ckin sh!t, “answered TR, “It’s all f-cking noise. Goddamned kids!” “You know, I hear them mothaf-cks don’t even drink the 45 anymore!” said Shady. “You’re f-cking kidding me!” TR said, shocked. “Nah, he aint fooling,” said Ami, “I heard that sh!t go down as well. B!tches can’t handle that sh!t. Probably be drinking coca-cola or some sh!t. I bets them run in f-ckin fear if you handed them a 45, much less a shot of somethin.” “Well f-ck, yall, let’s have a f-cking drink to the old f-cking times,” said Shady, “Goddamned b!tches don’t know what it was like, and they’s never gonna know.” With that, Shady took a swig from the handle of 151 and handed it to Amidala777 and TR who both took a drink as well. As TR slammed down the bottle, he looked up, first taking notice of Goat and Sabre. “Who in the f-ck are you!?” he yelled. “The name’s Jedigoat,” he said, “And this here is Lightsabre. We’ve come for help… no doubt you’ve heard of this recent zombie business…” “We might’ve,” said Ami, “And personally, it’s funny as hell. Tough luck, children, now get off my lawn!!” At this Sabre stepped forward, “Goddamn it, shut the f-ck up with this crap. Look, I’ll admit we’ve got a problem, and you all may be our only chance to stop this. But just because that’s so doesn’t mean your sh!t don’t stick. So either cut out the holier than thou oldbie bullsh!t, or f-ck off!” The three oldbies just stared at Sabre, jaws open in shock. Finally, TR broke the silence, “Damn, he’s a bitter sumb!tch…. I like him.” Amidala then gave a slight chuckle and looked at Sabre again, “So what would you have us do, then?” “Well you have to know something. If not to combat the zombies, at least something to get us out of here with what survivors we can find,” replied Goat. “Hmmm, well… there could be something…” Shady started. He then motioned the other two oldbies in close as they started discussing something between them in whispers. After a couple minutes, they finally broke up as TR announced the plan. “The DECAFF. We will reveal the DECAFF.” “What? DECAFF? Huh?” Sabre asked. “The DECAFF,” started Ami, “It stands for Diamond Encrusted CAn of Forty Five. We built it way back in the day, just in case Chris, Darth DiCaprio, and Jedi Apprentice ever came back.” “Popping its top will result in immediate annihilation of all evil in a 4 parsec radius. It’s the DECAFF you want,” finished Shady. “You know… whatever happened to Chris, DiCaprio, and JA anyway?” asked Ami. “Last I heard they went into retirement,” TR started, “And headed off to Planet Hooter.” “Well I’ll be damned,” Shady said, “I’ll bet even JA could get laid there.” “Uhhh.. guys, can we get back to the DECAFF?” said Goat. “Yeah, well… umm… we don’t exactly know where it is,” said TR. “We had those memories of where we hid it erased long ago, just in case Chris and gang ever came back and interrogated us. Clever, eh?” said Ami. “Yeah… except how in the hell were future generations ever supposed to get the thing, if need be?” asked Sabre. “Hmm… yeah… well.. we hadn’t exactly thought that far ahead…heh heh,” said Shady. “Wait a sec… there still may be a way,” said TR, “To Mr. KissKissBangBang, we should go. He won’t know the location either, but he does have a handy time machine. We can try going back to the Old Lando and see what we can see.” “To ol’ KKBB’s casa it is,” announced Ami, but as she stood up and took two steps, she immediately keeled over, a death rattle exiting her mouth. TR and Shady immediately stood up to see what was wrong, but as they did—collapsed over as well, TR clutching his chest and Shady briefly flailing an arm. Staring at the three collapsed oldbies, Goat realized they were dead. “Sh!t, the poor f-ckers haven’t moved from this table in years… maybe it was a heart attack? Should we say something?” said Goat. Sabre’s face was anything but emotional, “F-ck it. Let’s get over to KKBB’s place.”
Chapter 4 – 007’s Time Machine.
As Sabre and Goat pulled up to KKBB’s mansion, Goat realized it was smaller than Pimp’s house, but no less grand. The large, marble building reminded him slightly of the Parthenon, although the Greek columns in the front probably did that more than anything else. The house had an extensive front yard and was normally gated shut, but Goat found the gate to be open as he drove up the drive. Walking up to the impressive black oak doors, Sabre gave the bell a short ring, and announced their desire to meet with KKBB, immediately. To their surprise, a butler let them in and through the entrance hall. Goat was awestruck by the room, but also found it to be bordering on gaudy. The entire room was marble and granite, polished to mirror-shiny. Gold lined the hall, columns were placed at intervals in the room and large mirrors were regularly placed upon the walls. In the center of the room was a large, circular hot tub in the floor, filled to the brim with suds and lined with a gold ring. And sitting in it, at the end, was Mr. KissKissBangBang himself, smoking a cuban with a martini just behind him on the floor. To his right and left, he had a beautiful woman in each arm, cuddling each as they occasionally giggled at what he had to say. Sabre saw that they were completely topless, their full chests sitting at just above waterline, slightly covered in suds. KKBB started fondling the girl’s breasts on the left as the girl on his right whispered something in KKBB’s ear which made him grin; she then moved her head to his neck giving it a soft kiss as her arm sunk under the water and towards KKBB. Goat felt a bit awkward having to interrupt KKBB here, but he was saved some embarrassment as KKBB chose that moment to look up. Puffing his cigar, he harshly said, “Yeah?” “Umm well… there’s a bit of a problem…” and Goat immediately launched into what had happened so far, leaving no detail out—even the death of TR, Ami777, and Shady. Hearing the news, KKBB’s face immediately changed. He took a sip from the martini, and swam over to the other side near Goat (but not before commanding his hoes with a sharp “B!tches, out.”) “You can’t be serious,” he said, puffing the cigar, “Tusken Raider. F-ckin’ Sith Lord Mike himself? And Amidala777….plus, Shady? It’s impossible!” “I’m sorry man, I hate to be the one to tell ya,” said Goat. KKBB looked down, looking as if he had been hit with a ton of bricks. But then his face immediately looked up, jovial as ever. “Eh well. Never liked the motherf-ckers anyway!” KKBB said with a grin. “So, you’ll help us then?” asked Sabre. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t know the location of the DECAFF either, but like you asked—I do have the time machine. Should be fully functional and all that, though I haven’t used it in a while,” and with that KKBB stepped out of the hot tub, grabbing a towel by the side and wrapping it around him. “You guys coming?” he asked as he started to walk to the door.
* * *
With a sharp yank, KKBB opened the rusty old garage door, which finally budged with a bit of muscle. Sliding the door up (emitting an obnoxiously loud screeching noise), KKBB then led them into the small garage which sat a couple hundred feet from the house proper. Inside the dingy little wooden garage rested an odd assortment of this and that—hammers, tools, an engine part, old blaster power packs, and an repulsor that Goat seriously doubted was functional. But sitting in the center of the room was the largest piece of equipment, a car shaped thing conveniently under a car cover. Brushing some cobwebs out of the way, KKBB led them to the car. Removing the cover prompted a huge cloud of dust to emerge, but after that (and several coughs later) Goat and Sabre got their first look at the time machine. “Well, there she is,” announced KKBB. Sabre was not impressed. It was an old El Camino, its brown paint wearing off with primer visible in large patches, the headlights were cracked as was the windshield, all the hubcaps were gone, and in the rear-left wheel well—no wheel or tire was present, just bare axle. Stepping closer, he saw the inside was in similar shape—the burgundy leather seats were cracked, the dashboard had an inch of dust on it, and the steering wheel was missing. “What a piece of sh!t!” Sabre stated. “It’ll make point 5 past lightspeed! It may not look like much, but she has it where it counts kid,” KKBB replied angrily. “Well, let’s just get this show on the road…we’re grateful for your help KKBB,” said Goat. “Yeah, no prob. The thing’s easy enough to work out, it’s all self-explanatory on the radio deck. Hey—before you two take off..” KKBB said and reached for a pencil and paper. He wrote a quick note on it, as well as what looked like a sketch and then folded the paper and gave it to Goat. “I’d search in the Shindigator first. You might try lookin for Amidala777, TR, or Shady. If you have trouble convincing them you’re from the future just show em the note,” said KKBB. “Sure thing. Thanks again for everything man,” said Goat. “Like I said, don’t worry about it. Just take care of those zombies for us, huh? Oh! I almost forgot! There’s two things you have to remember about time travel. One: don’t try to change any event that happens if you can help it, no matter how minor. The consequences could be huge. Two: under no circumstance should you bring back any people from the past into the present. If they were to meet up with their future selves, the results would be catastrophic. Ok? Peace out, then,” said KKBB, tapping the hood as he walked away. Goat and Sabre entered the car then investigated the radio deck. “Let’s see… looks like we got a dial here for time, and another dial for place. Plus a big red button that says ‘Go.’ Well, he was right about it being self-explanatory,” Sabre said. “Ok, well let’s set this thing first for ‘Present’ and ‘Lando Projects.’ We have to go pick up xd first,” said Goat. As Sabre fumbled with the dial, Goat stated, “Hopefully we won’t need any plutonium or anything to make this thing run.” Sabre looked up confused, “What?” “Never mind, it’s just a joke… hit ‘go’ already, will ya?”
Chapter 5 – Another visit to the Shindigator.
Lightsabre was hoping traveling through time would be eventful. Hopefully something similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey—a disorienting tour through a whirlwind of colors, lights, stars, galaxies, and other random crazy visuals that would surely exceed even the best LSD trip. Or at least something that equaled traveling through regular old, boring hyperspace—whirling through a blue spinning vortex. He was not prepared for what time travel actually ended up being—completely lame. At the touch of the red ‘GO’ button, there was a sudden bright flash, similar to a camera, and then a split second later, they were at their destination. No visuals, no whirlwinds, not even some creepy sounds. Just instantaneous travel. Eh well, Sabre thought, at least this way we’ll get this over with quickly. After picking up xd, who was horrified from her visit to Pimp mansion, where no survivors could be found—just mangled bodies (and who was also completely unimpressed with both the time machine and time travel), the three arrived with a flash at the front of Shindigator… years earlier. The crowds in front of the Shindigator took no notice of their sudden appearance. Whether it was because they were all intoxicated or because they were too busy waiting in anticipation of getting in the party, Goat couldn’t tell. But it was obvious the east end was not as they had left it. The streets were newly paved, the place was packed with people walking in every direction, spacecraft and speeders were parked at every available spot and the skyscrapers were new and shiny. Looking in the Shindigator’s direction, Goat saw the building was lit up like a christmas tree with neon lights; and a large line was forming in front of the hall, standing on red carpet. Obviously the bouncers were quite picky on who went in. “You on the f-ckin list?” asked the bouncer as xd, Goat, and Sabre cut in front of the line. “Ehh, not exactly… how much does it cost for you to forget I wasn’t on the list?” asked Goat. “For you three? No less than $400.” “Are you f-cking kidding me!? Looks like the ol Bueno doesn’t work in the past, huh?” asked Sabre. “Let’s just get him the money, ok?” said xd, “Here, I got $100.” “I got 200 around here somewhere,” said Goat, fishing through his pockets and finally finding the credits. He looked over at Sabre. “What? Hey, f-ck you! You already owe me, if you forgot so soon about our mishap with the cargo!” Goat just continued to stare. Finally, Sabre sighed. “Goddamn it.. fine,” he said with resignation, “Here’s 100. On top of what you already owe me, got it?” Goat didn’t reply and just handed the money to the bouncer. Unclipping the velvet rope, the three entered into the shindig… and saw a sight that amazed them. The shindig was at least 4 times what they were used to—there were perhaps twice as many people, the bar was packed and the Colt 45 showed no signs of shortage. Sabre noted that while only one couple seemed to f-ck in public back in the present, there were no less than 6 actively going at it in here, plus what seemed to be a naked Twister game in process. And towards the back of the shindig, near the dance floor on the stage stood none other than the Godfather of Soul himself; Dr. Evil accompanying him on the piano. The styles of clothing may be a little outdated by current standard, but the party was absolutely full of energy. “Alright guys, let’s just hurry up and get out of here. The longer we wait, the more suffering happens back in the present,” said Goat. “Does it actually work that way? I mean, can’t we just return to before this whole zombie thing happened and stop it before it starts?” asked xd. “Umm… ehh, f-ck you. Fine, I guess I can’t deny a 40,” said Goat. As the three sat at the bar, and started on their drinks, Sabre pointed out the previously oldbies. “There they are, see the table way in the corner,” said Sabre pointing to three people sitting at a table, “You got the note, Goat?” “Yeah, yeah, I f-cking have it. How do you know it’s them?” Goat asked. “Honestly, do you know anyone else that wears Tusken Raider robes? Come on,” said xd, starting to head over to the table. As they approached, pushing their way through the crowds, Goat noticed the oldbies’ younger selves barely resembled their older. The girl, who Goat guessed was Amidala, was a pretty young woman around 5’2” with shoulder-length dark brown hair and also quite noticeably trashed. The tall guy sitting to her right who must have been Sith Shady was no less wiry, but at least looked healthier and younger and still wore dark robes, clutching a handle of Bacardi 151. Finally to Ami’s left sat Tusken Raider, whose appearance was still hidden by the signature sand people costume, but definitely looked a bit taller, and maybe also had slightly straighter posture. Xd, Goat, and Sabre reached the table to find Sith Shady in the middle of a joke. “So— this horse wanders into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks up and says, ‘Hey, why the long face?’ Get it?” Shady broke into drunken laughter. Amidala laughed quite loudly as well and said, “Wow—holy sh!t that was pretty f-ckin lame, Shady… yet, still can’t. Stop. Laughing.” Taking a shot of some clear liquid, she settled back into her chair and continued in a slightly slurred voice, “You know.. I’m pretty f-cking hammered so I’ll let you all in on a secret—I haven’t gotten any in four months, so if something were to happen tonight, let’s just say I wouldn’t be displeased…” As Amidala moved her hands to her shirt, preparing to drunkenly flash the men, TR finally looked up and noticed they had company. “Who in the f-ck are you!?” he said, irritated at the interruption. “Umm, well, this is gonna sound stupid no matter how I say it, so I’m just going to say it. I’m Jedigoat, this is Lightsabre, and this is xdflwr. We’re from the future Lando System and we seek the DECAFF.” “The what!? Boy, you even drunker than I am!” TR replied. “Just give him the note, damn it,” said Sabre. Goat fished around in his robes, worried for a bit that he might’ve actually lost it, then finally produced the crumpled piece of paper and handed it to TR. “It’s from someone you know. Mr. KissKissBangBang. You have to believe us, we’ll even show you the time machine if it’ll help.” TR carefully read over the note, visibly a bit confused and then handed it to Shady and Ami who had similar reactions. “God, whatever’s in that note, it better be f-cking good,” said xd. The oldbies sat in silence for a couple minutes until finally Shady spoke up. “Well, the note’s definitely from KKBB, that’s for sure.” “That it is. I don’t know anyone else who has such bad handwriting or can draw such a crude and disfigured representation of a p-ssy,” said TR. “Well, suppose we were to help you,” started Amidala, “Even if we wanted to give it to you, we don’t have the DECAFF.” “Do you know who does, though? Look, our situation is desperate! The fact that they shut down a f-cking shindig should be enough for your help!” explained Goat as he launched into a lengthy description of what had happened so far, conveniently omitting the part where the oldbies died. The oldbies sat in silence for a couple more minutes, pondering what to do. Finally TR gave a sigh and said, “Ok. We’ll help you out. But only because I’m tipsy enough to go for some drunken wandering through the city. We have to head over to Darth Kenobi’s place. He has the can.” “Excellent, we appreciate it. Is his place far?” Goat asked. “Nah, it’s less than a mile away. We can walk over there. Where’d ya park this time machine of yours?” asked Shady, getting up and finishing off what was left in his handle. “Right out front, it’s the rusty brown El Camino,” answered Sabre. “Better move it first, it’s gonna get towed,” said Shady. “Illegally parked?” asked xd. “Nah, they’d tow it on basic principle. What sort of self respecting person would drive that piece of sh!t?” answered Ami.
* * *
If Darth Kenobi’s house was truly where the DECAFF resided, Sabre had to admit he was expecting something a little classier for such an important artifact. Kenobi’s house stood on the edges of the east end, far enough from the action but still close enough to get around to the important events. It was a medium sized trailer, the type that had never really seemed to be in style. Large orange and brown stripes ran down the side and a brick was lodged in the cracked windshield. As TR opened the flimsy door and led them inside, Sabre realized that if the outside looked unpromising, the inside was more so. The place had quite obviously not been cleaned in a good long time—empty pizza boxes laid here and there, colt 45 bottles laid about (both full, empty and half empty), clothes were strewn about, and on the small table laid a chipped plate. Whatever was originally on it was now covered in some sort of fungi colony. The only sound in the place came from a small and old Emerson tape deck, currently playing Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” Kenobi himself was lying on the floor, wearing only pink boxer shorts, snoring loudly, drooling and clutching a bottle. “Wow, what a f-cking wonderful smell we’ve discovered!” Sabre stated. “Just help me wake him will ya?” said TR as he started to shake Kenobi. It seemed Kenobi’s slumber was not one to be easily disturbed, however—no amount of shoving, shaking, or screaming seemed to wake him. Even when TR gave a desperate kick to the chest, Kenobi just grunted softly and resumed snoring. “I hate to do this to the guy, but I think we’re gonna have to shower him,” said Ami. “Yeah, I was beginning to think that myself,” said TR, “Ok, get his legs. Shady, help her out. I’ll lift his shoulders up.” As they began to lift the drunken sleeper, Goat reached for one of the chairs and placed it in the very compact shower. They then placed Kenobi down in it and turned on the water—full blast, cold. 30 minutes later, everyone was wondering how much longer it was going to take when Kenobi first displayed signs of stirring. “Hey, everyone, come over here, I think he’s waking up!” said Shady waving the group over to the shower. Kenobi’s eyes were still closed but he gave a soft grunt and then finally muttered, “God f-cking damn it, someone turn off that goddamned f-cking water.” “You sober?” said TR shaking Kenobi’s head. “No. F-ck off.” TR resumed shaking Kenobi’s head, and left the water on. “Jesus. I’ll talk to ya ok, what do you f-cking want?” “We need you to help us with something,” Ami said, peering into the shower. For the first time, Kenobi’s eyes opened and saw Amidala and xd. Giving a slight grin, he said, “Hey, b!tches. You know you both could help me with a little something too. Get my meaning?” Before either of them could reply, however, TR grabbed Kenobi by the collar and shoved him up against the wall. “Goddamn it, Kenobi! Now’s not the f-cking time for this bullsh!t. We need to know the location of the DECAFF and we need to know now!” “Jesus f-cking christ… the DECAFF? Fine, will you leave me the f-ck alone then?” “Yeah, sure,” said TR letting go of Kenobi as he fell back down into the chair. “Lando cemetery. Grave marked “unknown.” You’ll find your f-cking colt 45 there, ok?” “Goddamn. ‘Bout f-cking time… let’s get outta here,” said Sabre. As the group left to leave the cramped trailer, Goat looked back at Kenobi to find that only 10 seconds after talking, his head was rested up against the wall and he was snoring loudly again.
Chapter 6 – A showdown at the cemetery.
Sabre realized that their search was far from over as they entered the large circular graveyard. Only a couple blocks away from Kenobi’s house, it was small, as far as graveyards go, but large enough that finding the right tombstone was going to take a while. And if the large number of graves, overgrown brush, weeds, and large trees weren’t enough, a dense fog seemed to be settling in. Visibility was quickly declining to no better than 100 feet making the search increasingly difficult. Hours had passed since the group had decided to split up and search individually, and the grave was still out there somewhere. As Sabre passed through the graveyard, eyes scanning the tombstones, he read off the names aloud. “Opata, Oji-Bwa, Darth Slay, Unknown, goddamn it, where is this f-cking… wait a sec,” he said, looking back at the unknown grave making sure it was the right one. “Everyone! Over here, I found the f-cking grave!” Sabre called out. A couple seconds passed as the group reassembled, rushing over to where Sabre had pointed out the Unknown grave. TR was the last to arrive, running up to them carrying a couple of shovels. “Good thing we remembered to bring these first,” TR said handing the other shovel to Goat, “Alright, well let’s get started.” As the two started digging up the grave, xd said, “How long are we looking at here?” “I dunno… damn thing is probably pretty deep. A little while, at least,” answered Goat, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Alright, I’m gonna go run and get the car. Something tells me we may have to get outta here in a hurry. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” said xd. “Ehh… suit yourself. Hurry your ass back, though. This won’t take hours or anything,” Goat said. Xd had only been gone a matter of minutes when TR hit metal with his shovel, causing a loud clanging noise. Unearthing the metal obstacle, he revealed a small box. Unlatching it, TR reached in… and his hand came back out—holding the Diamond Encrusted Can of Forty Five itself. TR gave a quick chuckle, and took a moment to admire the artifact—it was exactly as the description stated: its appearance was identical to that of an ordinary Colt 45 can—but diamond encrusted. Jedigoat rubbed his eyes in disbelief and stared at it, “I don’t believe it. The f-cking thing actually exists!” Before anyone had time to celebrate their discovery, the unmistakable sound of thrusters suddenly rang out behind them. TR threw the can back in the box as everyone turned, almost in unison, to face the source of the mysterious sound. Before them, not more than 100 feet away, a small spacecraft was touching down, its powerful landing lights unable to fully pierce through the fog. As the spacecraft landed, obligatory jets of steam exiting from its bottom vents, the ramp slowly opened with a mechanical whirring sound, revealing a man—who or what it was, no one could tell—completely draped in dark, black cloaks. “Who the f-ck is this guy!?” Shady said, and as he was the closest one to the spacecraft, started to walk towards the ramp. Just then, TR noticed a small reflection of light coming from within the intruder’s cloaks. An unmistakable reflection… “Shady, look out, he’s got a saber!” Shady looked back at TR in confusion but before he could react, the mysterious man force-jumped, performed a quick flip, landed behind Shady and ignited his lightsaber. Before Shady even had time to reach for his blaster, the man drove his lightsaber through Shady’s back, impaling him and dealing death in one cold blow. The man then removed his saber, revealing it to be a seizure-inducing blade—changing from one clashing color to the next every split second. “Shady!!!!!!” TR cried out, but had the sense not to charge the man, not just yet. Instead, he calmly removed his own lightsaber, constructed long ago during his years as a Sith. As he ignited the red blade, Amidala777 joined him and removed her blue saber, Goat —his blonde saber, and Lightsabre—his saber of pure, bright white did his name justice. “I don’t know who you are, or what you want, but you just made the biggest mistake you’ll ever make,” Ami said, addressing the intruder, and readying her saber. The man, faced with 4 armed opponents, was oddly calm. He just leaned back and laughed heartily as two more, dark black-cloaked men joined him, exiting down the ramp of the spacecraft. The two men removed their hoods in turn. “Bane!? Krawlie!? What the f-ck!?” Sabre said. “That’s DARTH Bane, damn it,” Bane answered, a grin on his face, “I’ve come to end your cute little trip through time. Now as you four don’t stand a chance, I’ll make this offer once and once only! Hand over the diamond can, and do it now!” Bane finished his threat by removing his lightsaber off his belt, ready to ignite. “Who in the hell are these motherf-ckers?” asked TR. “The two current emperors of Lando…. Somehow they tracked us here… I should’ve guessed they were behind this whole thing all along!” said Goat. TR just looked at Bane and let out a laugh in disbelief, “This goofy-ass motherf-cker? He doesn’t even have his lightsaber right side up!” Bane looked down and realized his lightsaber, was indeed, upside down. Swearing softly and scowling, he turned it around and ignited it. “This is your last f-cking chance! The four of you don’t have a hope against three sith! If you hand over the can right now, perhaps I shall be lenient and not feed you to the zombies!” TR looked over at his companions and gave a small motion towards the sith, receiving subtle nods in return. The signal to charge had been given. Before Bane knew what was going on, four lightsabers charged at his group, still furious over the loss of Shady. Lightsabre rushed the mysterious man who had killed Shady, meeting his blade with his own. Catching a quick glance at the face behind the cloak, he couldn’t believe his eyes. “Maddox? Nah, it can’t be! He can’t be working for them!” he whispered to himself, as he moved quickly, meeting each of his strikes with smooth movements of his blade. Jedigoat charged Krawlie who proved his Sith abilities as he removed his blade, ignited it, and defended against Goat’s swing with frightening speed. And, Bane, finding himself completely off guard by the sudden assault, now faced both TR and Ami, sabers moving skillfully under their experienced hands, clashing with Bane’s with the loud, characteristic sound of lightsaber contact. As the seven swordsmen dueled in the graveyard, the fog thickened even more, reducing visibility to mere feet. Individuals were hardly visible now, as an onlooker would’ve only been able to see 7 bright blades within the fog, moving back and forth and occasionally colliding. The fog made it even more difficult for the combatants, whose defensive abilities were becoming more and more important as their opponents’ reactions became invisible within the fog. “Sh!t… this is a f-cking stalemate!” Goat said, as he moved his saber back and forth to defend against Krawlie’s blows. He was able to move quickly, but Krawlie was proving the superior fighter as he darted from side to side, occasionally flipping behind Goat and keeping him on the defensive. Sabre didn’t seem to be faring much better as he swung his saber in attack. Maddox was faster, and his saber was becoming more and more distracting, flashing from color to color. Only Ami and TR seemed to be having any reasonable success, frustrating Bane with swift, aggressive, strikes. Meeting both their blades in turn, he jumped up to a tombstone, executed a quick force-jump over them both and flipped, hoping to catch them off guard. Unfortunately, they weren’t as they both met his downward swing just in time. As Ami and TR rushed at Bane with a new onslaught of saber attacks, Bane had an idea. He suddenly force-jumped high into the fog and landed on his spacecraft, running across the roof towards the cockpit. “He’s heading towards the cockpit…. He must be trying to get to the ship’s gun controls!” Ami said. “Sh!t, we gotta stop him!” TR said, looking to his right and noticing that both Goat and Sabre were still locked in battle. As they prepared to force jump, the landing lights from the small spacecraft shut off, leaving the battleground in relative darkness, hampered even further by the fog. “F-ck! Ok… well, it’s about 30 feet ahead of us or so… maybe we can pull a blind jump?” TR asked. As TR and Ami attempted to quickly figure out that problem before Bane reached the gun controls, Goat found himself in a losing battle against Krawlie. Recovering from Krawlie’s latest attack, he attempted to block another well executed saber move—but was unsuccessful. Krawlie hit Goat’s lightsaber just above the hilt, below the emitter, severing the device and rendering it useless. As Krawlie positioned his lightsaber inches away from Goat’s neck, he triumphantly said, “You are beaten!” As Goat sighed in defeat, he heard a not too distant scream: “DUCK!!” Goat wisely dropped to the ground and as he looked to his left and right, saw that TR, Ami, and Sabre did as well. Their Sith opponents, in contrast, just looked towards the source of the scream in confusion as an old El Camino came barreling out of the fog, on a collision course. “Sh!t! It’s gonna hit us! Jump!” commanded Krawlie, as he and Maddox force-leapt high into the sky and disappeared into the fog. The targets having disappeared, the car stopped inches away from Sabre as the door opened and xd leapt out, aiming her blaster and firing a well placed shot towards the spacecraft. The laser bolt hitting Bane’s hand, he dropped his saber and screamed in pain, distracted momentarily from reaching the cockpit. Not wasting a minute, xd turned to the group and yelled, “Alright… let’s get the f-ck outta here!! Hurry!” As everyone ran towards the car Goat yelled out, “Goddamn, xd, what were you planning on doing… running straight over us? You realize that thing is a f-cking lowrider?” “Hey, just be f-cking thankful someone came back in time to save your asses. It doesn’t look like you were doing all that f-cking great by yourself!” xd answered. As everyone piled into either the one available seat or the truck bed, xd climbed in herself, closed the door and started to configure the time control. “Everyone here? Good. Let’s just hope this damn thing starts before Krawlie and Maddox can find their way back through the fog!” xd stated. “What about Sith Shady?” TR said, settling down into the back truck bed of the El Camino, “We can’t just f-cking leave him here!” “Look, we got no f-cking time!! They’re coming back already, we gotta move!” xd answered as she set the controls, and hit “Go.” Just moments after the time machine vanished in a flash of brilliant white light, Krawlie and Maddox came running into the area, emerging from the fog behind them. As they ran up to the spot where the machine was, Krawlie looked around briefly, as if it was impossible their targets could have eluded them. Finally realizing they were gone, he clipped his lightsaber back on his belt, sighing in defeat. “F-ck,” Krawlie started, “They may have gotten away this time, but they’ll try and get back to future Lando to use the can. We gotta stop them…” Before he could finish outlining his plan, however, Bane screamed from up above on the spacecraft. He was still clutching his scarred hand in pain, his face covered in tears. “Goddamn it… for christ sakes, someone get the f-ck up here and help me!! That c-nt shot my f-cking hand!”
Chapter 7 – Always check the date.
The field near the summit of the Lando Bluffs was nearly calm in the early afternoon, long grass waving back and forth in the wind. This area of open space was devoid of any present human contact, its only inhabitants the large fields of green grass and small bushes and trees which dotted the landscape. Far in the distance could be seen the major metropolis of Lando System, large smoke plumes and fires visible—evidence that major battles had taken place. This calm in these fields was suddenly broken, however, with a bright, white flash, and the sudden appearance of a rusty brown El Camino. “Well hot damn… we f-cking made it,” said Goat, looking around at the fields, adrenaline still flowing from the lightsaber duel. As everyone eagerly got out of the car, Goat only was able to briefly stretch his legs when a zombie suddenly leapt out from behind a bush and onto Goat, attempting to bite him. As both Goat and zombie fell down onto the ground in a fierce struggle, xd took out her blaster trying to get a clear shot. “Try and get him off of you Goat, I can’t get a clear shot!” she said, looking at the rolling mass of arms and legs before her. TR just looked in amazement at the creature, “F-ck… a zombie. You guys weren’t kidding!” Finally, with effort, Goat managed to wrestle the zombie off, and a split second later its head exploded in a shower of flesh chunks and brain matter as xd fired a dead-on shot. “Sh!t!” Goat said, lying on the ground breathing heavily, wide-eyed, “I thought you set the f-cking machine for before the zombies were unleashed, xd!” “I did! It isn’t my fault!” Ami, who was still back at the car, eyed both the radio deck and the dash. “She’s right, it’s set correctly,” she said, “I think I found your problem, though.” Pointing to the fuel gauge, she continued, “You ran outta gas. It’s a safety measure—if the time machine only has enough fuel for one trip, it returns to its origin. Which looks like your present time, and place—if I remember correctly, we’re not far from KKBB’s house.” “FUEL!?” Sabre exclaimed, “Damn it, Goat, I thought you said this thing didn’t need any plutonium or anything!” “Well, god damn it, I was joking. I didn’t think it seriously only had enough for a couple f-cking trips!” “Uhh guys…?” TR started, “I think we have another problem…” Everyone just looked at him, to see if he was serious. “I think… I think, I uhh… left the DECAFF back in the past….” Silence followed—no one knew exactly what to say. Sabre finally sat down against the car, gave a short whistle and said, “So.. let me get this straight… we ran outta gas so we’re back here with the zombies, we no longer have the diamond can, and we can’t even run away from this mess in the time machine?” TR just nodded slowly, “Yeah, that seems more or less right…” Sabre shrugged and laughed, “Ehh.. f-ck it. I was hoping for a couple more decades before buying it, but I guess you don’t get everything you want, huh?” As everyone just sorta sat down, contemplating their new depressing twist of fate, Amidala stood up with an idea. “Guys… we don’t have to give up! We do know where the location of the can is… unless Bane is even more stupid than I think, he should’ve picked it up before returning here to oversee the zombie operation. We just have to find a way to get into his palace…” Before anyone could react, xd spoke, her eyes blankly staring towards the sky in thought, “You know, this is just crazy enough to work. I know a couple of old imperial commanders that live in Lando. They mainly just sit around toking up and f-cking hookers these days, but I’ll bet I could convince them to help lead a resistance operation. We could draw away the main zombie forces from the palace, allowing you to sneak in! I’m sure we could buy you at least a couple hours…” Goat replied, “Are you f-cking serious? Even the Bueno couldn’t save you from that!” “Well, maybe it can.. You’re coming with me, Goat.” Goat looked horrified, “What? Wait, wait wait…” he stared. But before he could finish his sentence, TR finished the discussion. “You know, this could work. All right it’s settled—xd and Goat will contact the resistance and lead a strike near the Lando Palace. Ami, Sabre and I will sneak in and deal with Bane. Unless he’s drastically redesigned the place, I think I still know the location of a secret entrance.” Goat just looked down in resignation, “Goddamn. What the f-ck did I do to get involved in this?”
* * *
The Lando Woods were where JediGoat and xdflwr could next been seen, slowly but surely marching through the thick forest and brush, making their way to the imperial commanders’ location. After a brief search into former contacts through the city, the Woods were the best lead they had gotten all day. The woods themselves were eerily quiet; the only sound amongst the enormous trees were Goat and xd’s steps through the plants and leaves. The area had almost no indication of the conflict that had fallen upon the city—there had been the occasional sudden Zombie Ewok attack, but even those were far and few in between. Goat opened his mouth, ready to whine about how far they had walked with no tangible result when they finally emerged upon a small clearing, revealing a couple men in the center of it. Before they approached them, Goat identified them as Eclipse and UK Legend Killa. Eclipse sat lazily upon a large rock, smoking a cigarette and reading a Playgirl, and UK Legend Killa lay sleeping upon the grass, snoring loudly near a large empty case of Zima, his pants nowhere in sight. As they neared the men, Eclipse threw down his magazine, zipped up his pants and unholstered his blaster, saying “Alright… stay where you are!” “Jesus, Eclipse, settle down. It’s just me,” said xd. Eclipse lowered the weapon and said, “F-ck… well you can’t blame me for being a bit on edge lately, now can ya. What do you want?” Goat immediately launched into the tale of what had happened, “Well see, Eclipse… it’s kinda a long story but we’re gonna need your help…” Upon its finish, Eclipse just took a puff of his cig and narrowed his eyes. “Damn, that’s some heavy sh!t. Well, I’d help ya if I could, I suppose. Sounds kinda like a suicide mission to me, though.” “Well, no doubt it’ll be dangerous, but would you rather just stay here, waiting for a zombie to jump outta nowhere while you’re rubbing one out? This way we take the battle to them and we only got to last a couple hours. The oldbies will get that damn can!” xd said. Eclipse just sat there, thinking over the plan, licked his lips and said, “Whaddya think, UKLK?” Seeing UKLK still passed out on the ground, he gave him a swift kick, turning him over. “Wake the f-ck up man, you get any of this?” “Urrgggh… not really. Lemme alone!” UKLK replied. “Get the f-ck up UKLK… we’re gonna moving outta here in a couple!” “Alright, alright, jesus. Just a minute, ok? I think I pissed myself.” Xd just looked at him in disgust as Goat said, “He got drunk off of Zima? You gotta be kidding me!” “Yeah… it’s tough times man. After the zombies raided the 45 factories, this is all we had left. He had to drink the entire f-cking case to get drunk… I can’t remember him ever being this depressed… well since the AIDS breakout last year, that is,” said Eclipse. “You think you can rustle up anyone for the strike?” asked xd. “We’ll see. Zombies took out damn near everything, but there are some people hidden here and there throughout the city. I think I can get ya a sizeable force by tomorrow morning,” replied Eclipse.
* * *
With a yawn, Amidala slowly opened her eyes to TR, shaking her awake. “Come on, we just got word, we’re on the move.” Rubbing her eyes, she stood up, looking around at her surroundings. It had definitely not been an ideal place to stay for the night, but it worked and it was safe. TR, Amidala, and Sabre were at least a hundred feet under the city, in a large sewer maintenance shaft. The only light in the long, cramped concrete shaft came from a small red bulb about 100 feet away. About 100 feet in the other direction was a small hatch, which TR had told them was a secret underground entrance to the Lando Palace. Having reached this point before xd and Goat’s strike team was ready, they had decided on a short nap. Zombies hadn’t discovered the location yet, and the only sound to be heard was a faint but constant dripping of water. “They’re in position?” Ami asked, yawning. “Yeah. They just gave us the go-ahead over the comlink,” answered Lightsabre. As Amidala looked over to see TR start to open the hatch, she readied her lightsaber and said, “Well… here goes nothing.” Following TR opening the reluctant metal hatch (which emitted a loud screeching noise, not having been opened in years), Amidala and Sabre followed him into the small concrete room, barely large enough for the three of them. Also occupying them were a couple pieces of random garbage, empty 45 cases, many sealed surplus ‘Attack of the Clones’ DVD boxes and a few astromech droids whose dustiness admitted they hadn’t been used in years. The only visible exit from the room was another metal hatch, which appeared to be locked with no other way to operate it. Next to the door, however, was a small computer dataport. “Think we could use one of these old astromech droids?” asked Sabre. “I do have a restraining bolt on me…” said TR. “Seriously?” asked Sabre, “Just so happens to be in one of those belt boxes?” “Hey… no self-respecting Tusken Raider would be without a couple random electronic devices here and there… let’s see, this droid looks in decent condition,” said TR, approaching a blue and white model, “R2-D2” on the nameplate. Attaching the restraining bolt and producing the controls from his robes, he activated it, to a stream of random whirrs, beeps, and squeaks from the newly operational droid. Fiddling with the control, TR ordered the droid over to the door, and following another stream of beeps and whirrs, commanded the droid to open the door. R2 slowly wheeled over to the dataport, then extended its arm, connecting to the port. “Hey, also remind it to find the location of Bane. We’re not gonna have time to exactly do a strip search of this place…” said Ami. As TR keyed in the commands, the droid responded with a couple beeps, communicating with the network. As R2 opened the hatch into the palace, he also emitted a holographic map of the palace from his small projector. “Well, this is really gonna be easy….” said Sabre sarcastically. “Yeah… only 300 floors, not to mention the random guards and zombies running amok…” finished Amidala. “Hey—let’s just hope xd and Goat pull through with their decoy attack. Come on, let’s go,” said TR as he removed his own lightsaber and stepped through the hatch, entering the palace.
* * *
“Go, go, go!” screamed Eclipse into the comlink, standing in the commander’s hatch of his armored landspeeder, as it started to move forward, main laser cannon firing occasionally. Eclipse had geared up for the battle, donning his old imperial AT-AT commander’s uniform, and wearing a pair of Bose headphones—currently playing Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades.’ Taking a quick puff from his cigarette, he lifted a pair of binoculars. Looking to the right, he spotted Jedigoat and xdflwr’s AT-ST walker slowly start to march forward, taking aimed shots at the zombie forces before them. To his left he saw UK Legend Killa, standing in the commander’s hatch of a hover tank, waving his arm forward, ordering attack. As the vehicles moved forward, Eclipse quickly recalled the battle plan. They had managed to scrounge up around 15 vehicles in total, and about 50 people for the attack. He had hoped for a better turnout, or at least more than one walker, but he had to deal with what he had. Troops (moving in and out behind cover) started the assault upon the zombie army, running forward and taking quick aimed shots from behind cover when the opportunity rose. In between small squads of resistance fighters were the vehicles; mostly old armored landspeeders, and the occasional hover tank. The vehicles as well began their assault upon the army, firing their cannons towards the zombie mass. Scanning the cityscape, Eclipse saw his main force inching forward toward the lumbering lines of zombies. Less than 200 feet separated them now. Eclipse had hoped for a better site for the battle—an open field would work for just mowing down zombies, row by row. Here, the ruins of the city, however, worked to the advantage of the zombies as they had better opportunities to creep in past their defenses. “Fire!” Eclipse screamed to the gunner of his landspeeder as the cannon shot a laser bolt towards the zombies, exploding no less than 3 in a shower of flying limbs. As they fell, however, two larger zombies emerged—and these were armed. The first, Milkman Dan, came running out carrying a gatling laser cannon, and the second, Kung Fu Jawa, was no less intimidating with a rocket launcher on his shoulder. Well aimed blasts from the commanders before they dodged behind cover hit Eclipse’s speeder dead-on. As the speeder erupted in flames, Eclipse fell backward, losing consciousness.
* * *
As Amidala took the lead into rushing into Bane’s throne room, she held lightsaber confidently, ready for the confrontation with the three sith lords. The three of them had had minimal trouble navigating through the palace, occasionally running into the lone guard or zombie, all of which were no match for three lightsabers. As Amidala entered the room, however, she soon found out she wasn’t as prepared as previously thought when she ran right into the middle of lightning storm. Darth Bane sat calmly, in the large leather throne occupying the center of the room, one scarred hand holding a rum and coke, and the other emitting blue lightning towards his attacker. As Amidala fell to the ground, smoking and screaming in pain, TR and Sabre ran in behind her, prepared to defend Bane’s attack if need be. To the left and right of Bane stood Krawlie and Maddox, who revealed their sabers and ignited them. As TR helped the still smoking Amidala to her feet, Bane just laughed. “Hahahahahahaha, stupid b!tch! I knew all this talk of power of the oldbies was just that—talk! You both are nothing, NOTHING! And with us evenly matched this time, do not expect to leave with your lives!” “You can try Bane, but you will not succeed! You will pay for the destruction you have caused… we will not allow you to destroy Lando!” TR said in return. “Heh heh, TuskenRaider, always one to amuse. Your name no longer holds any weight around here. Back in your day, I was but the learner. But now I am the master!” Bane stood and walked over to the panoramic windows, pointing to the battle going on below them on the planet surface. “Your friends shall fail as well. A mere force of 50 stand no chance against my army of zombies,” said Bane, as he erupted into more evil laughter, finally following it by removing a can from his pocket. “The… the Diamond Encrusted Can!” Sabre said, awestruck. “Yes… you want this… don’t you? Well, unfortunately, it is now mine!” screamed Bane as he placed the can in his pocket. Removing a remote control, he turned on an unseen stereo system, which began playing Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.” Bane paused, embarrassed. “Umm.. uhh, oops—just a sec,” he said, pressing the remote again, replacing the song with ‘Duel of the Fates.’ “There we go…” he said as more appropriate fight music began playing. He then force-leapt at TR, removing his saber and igniting it. TR had just enough time to block his swing, as Maddox and Krawlie charged Amidala and Lightsabre. The battle had begun.
* * *
“Sh!t…. This is not going well…” UKLK muttered to himself as he climbed down into the hover tank, closing the hatch above him. As he looked at the computer display before him, he could not help but to think he would not come out this battle alive. To his right he saw the flaming ruins of Eclipse’s speeder, Kung Fu Jawa viciously ripping into the survivors of his squad. He hoped Eclipse survived, but he knew he had probably not. Further to his right, in the distance, he saw Goat and xd’s AT-ST, still firing at the zombies. However, their squad seemed to have been destroyed completely—the walker was the only thing left of it, surrounded by destroyed speeders, tanks and now—zombies, quickly beginning to circle the walker. UKLK’s own squad was dwindling. Reduced to less than 10 men and one functional hovertank, it wouldn’t be long before they were over-run as well. For now they were barely holding their position, now on the defensive as the waves of zombies (some armed, to UKLK’s shock) assaulted them. “Ok… we can’t do much good here… we gotta get out before we all get killed,” said UKLK to the tank driver. “What’s the plan?” he said back. “Fire all remaining rockets on that building over there—we’ll see if we can get it to collapse and bury that line of zombies. Hopefully it’ll give us enough time to jet outta this f-ckin place..” he said, opening his last bottle of Zima.
* * *
As the battle looked increasingly depressing many levels below, TR quickly moved his lightsaber, blocking Bane’s ferocious attacks. In between swings of Bane’s saber, he looked quickly to his left and right—seeing Amidala deftly holding off Krawlie’s attacks, and Lightsaber under pressure from Maddox’s flashing saber. As the three duels moved around, back and forth in the throne room, TR realized this was taking too long when people were dying down below. Just then, Bane took a couple steps back, raising his saber in a defensive position. As TR started to rush towards him, Bane just gave a smile and using the force—lifted up the huge leather throne and threw it towards TR. TR had time for just a quick, “Oh sh!t…” as the chair flew towards him. Ducking just in time, the chair flew past him… but hit Lightsabre, knocking him to the floor, unconscious. As Bane started laughing uncontrollably, Maddox just looked at Lightsabre, said, “Heh..pathetic. I’ll take care of you later… right now, that c-nt is mine!” and charged after Amidala. As Bane continued to laugh, TR saw Amidala now under the attack of two Sith. She elegantly moved her lightsaber blocking their strikes, but TR realized she wouldn’t last long against such an attack. Maddox and Krawlie both were advancing steadily against her, and soon she would be backed up in a corner. With a scream, TR launched himself at Bane, showing a new aggressiveness in his attacks. Bane, caught off guard, had just a moment to ready his defense—which was proving to be inadequate against TR’s new fury of lightsaber strikes. As TR rabidly swung, Bane found himself being backed up into the large windows of the room. F-ck, Bane thought, I need more f-cking space! As TR and Bane locked their sabers together in a loud clash, TR took that moment to swiftly kick Bane in the stomach, knocking him to the ground. As he fell, TR reached out with his other hand and drew Bane’s saber to him. The force obeyed and Bane’s saber levitated quickly into TR’s other hand. Bane looked up, saw he was unarmed and faced TR, holding two sabers. “Huh,” Bane said, in a voice that sounded mostly confused, “Well… I’d say go ahead and kill me… but I know you’re too damn p-ssy to…” Before he could finish his sentence, TR shut off both sabers, threw them into his robe and lifted both arms. “What!? NO!” was all Bane had time to say as a wet spot started to form in his pants. TR recalled his former Sith powers and unleashed a torrent of blue lightning upon Bane. Surrounded in the web of lightning, Bane fell twitching to the floor, screaming. By this time, the duel between Amidala, Krawlie, and Maddox stopped suddenly, as all three looked over to the scene before them. “God damn,” whispered Krawlie in fear as TR continued to shoot bolts out of his hand, striking Bane. The lightning attack didn’t stop until TR realized that all was left of Bane was sizzling remnants of flesh and strips of his cloak. Walking over to him, TR reached into what was left of his cloak and removed the DECAFF—still in perfect condition. TR looked over to Krawlie and Maddox, holding the can, about the pop the top. “Holy sh!t! RUN!!” screamed Krawlie, as Maddox agreed, “F-ck… you guys win this round. But we’ll be back!!!” And with that, the two force-leapt through the windows of the throne room and out into the sky before them. Amidala rushed over to the shattered windows and looked through them as she saw Krawlie and Maddox fall stories and stories—down to where a small spacecraft was waiting. As they climbed in, she saw the spacecraft speed off into the horizon. “F-ck! TR, they got away!!” “Don’t worry about them… we have the colt 45 now,” he said, as he popped the top of the can.
* * *
Jedigoat stared into the distance through his scope seeing the battle unfold before him. Following the destruction of Eclipse’s squad, he saw UKLK manage a defense holding out for near half and hour. Finally as UKLK’s forces diminished, he saw him stage an attempt to blow a building down for cover, but was ended short by Kung Fu Jawa—who launched a well placed rocket into UKLK’s tank. Following the explosion, Goat saw no survivors. “This is not lookin good… we gotta get the f-ck outta here… we’re the only f-cking people left!” xd said in a panic, sitting in the seat next to him in the cramped AT-ST cockpit. “Yeah no sh!t… here let’s try this..” Goat said putting the AT-ST into reverse, walking the machine backwards as xd continued to man the guns, taking shots at the rapidly advancing zombie force. “We’re not retreating fast enough…” xd said, “They’re starting to flank us… we’re gonna be surrounded!” “Alright, set the cannons for overload. We’ll blow the walker and haul our ass outta here…and maybe just take a few of them with us!” said Goat. As xd agreed and set the controls, Goat opened the upper hatch and peered out. “We’re all f-cking clear, set it!” he called back in. As xd crawled out and grabbed on to Goat she said, “Ok, we got 20 seconds, let’s go!” Goat hesitated briefly and chuckled, “You know… now that we’re probably going to die, I’d just like to say—of all the shindigs we’ve been to together, it’s kinda a shame we never got it on…” Xd responded with a mischievous grin, saying, “Well, Goat, you get us outta this mess and we’ll see if your luck changes…” With that, Goat called upon the Bueno and leapt high into the air out of the AT-ST’s hatch just as the cannons performed a self-destructive overload, leaving an immense explosion that destroyed nearly everything in a 50 foot radius. As Goat and xd landed, they looked back to see all that was left of the AT-ST was one leg still standing straight amongst the rubble and piles of dead zombies. And lying roughly in the center of one of those piles laid a larger zombie, one wearing a Milkman’s uniform and holding what was a gatling laser cannon. “The commander?” asked Goat. “No time to see.. come on we gotta get the f-ck outta here!” said xd as the two ran off into the city, leaving the destruction behind them. Had they stayed a couple minutes more, however, they might have noticed a slight fog-like mist start to accumulate around zombie Milkman Dan’s corpse. The mist continued to gather until it formed a near solid looking shape—a figure that looked exactly like Milkman Dan.
* * *
High above the destruction, still in the throne room of the Lando Palace, TR stood with the open Diamond Encrusted Can of Colt 45, the only sound in the room being the slight fizzing coming from the can. Lightsabre having regaining consciousness, had attempted to stand, realized his legs were broken, and then slowly crawled over to where TR stood to get a better look. Amidala walked over as well, expecting something to happen. A sound, maybe a flash, some music, a voice, a huge fireworks display, lightning, the hand of god, hell—any signal that anything had happened upon TR opening the can. Absolutely nothing had happened. Amidala peered out towards the city, noting hordes of zombies were still running amok. “Umm… I guess this goes without saying, but I don’t think anything happened…” said Amidala slowly. “Yeah, no sh!t,” TR said, “I dunno what’s wrong with it. We’re within a 4 parsec range… is there anything else that you have to do?” “Sith Shady said all you had to do was pop the top…” said Lightsabre, confused. “Huh…” said TR, as he looked over the can, confused. Finally, TR spotted something on the can, eyes widened, and then as if realizing something, gave a sigh, and just set the can down. “What? Is there something!?” asked Ami. “Yeah…” said TR, “You’re not gonna believe this… But, I found a ‘Best By’ date on the bottom of the can. And that date seems to have passed by years ago.” Lightsabre and Amidala just looked at TR, as if unable to comprehend. “An expiration date? That can has a f-cking expiration date!? You’re f-cking kidding me!” Lightsabre said. “Unfortunately, no…. it’s expired… and let’s see—the zombies are running amok, the strike team is probably all killed off, Krawlie and Maddox escaped, and the only success we had was taking out Bane. I wonder if we’ll get any more bad news today,” TR said with resignation. Everyone just sat down, still disbelieving their misfortune. No one spoke for minutes, the silence becoming evidence of their mood. Lightsabre finally broke the silence with a smile, “You know… I might as well lay down some more. Both of you are dead in this time.” Amidala and TR just looked at Sabre, confused. “WHAT!?” TR finally yelled. “Hey… don’t shoot the messenger, I had nothing to do with it. Seeing how you two are stuck here for the foreseeable future anyway, I shouldn’t think it’s too big of a problem…” Lightsabre said. Another silence followed, which Amidala broke, looking at Sabre. “You know, that’s not the only problem. I was thinking… if Shady was the one to suggest finding the can to you in the present… how could that have happened now that you went back in time and he died in that fight?” TR answered, a perplexed look on his face, “Hmm… I dunno…. I figure the Space-Time Continuum will probably just kill us all off to fix up this f-cking mess.” “Makes sense…” Sabre finally added. Yet another silence followed when Sabre again broke it. “You know, I was thinkin—this whole thing wasn’t a complete loss.” “How the f-ck so?” said TR, amused. “Well, we did manage to score a free can of beer,” Sabre said pointing at the diamond can of 45. TR’s face suddenly changed. “Hey… guy’s got a f-cking point!” Amidala looked up, suddenly jovial, “Pass that sh!t over here man!”
lightsabre
backstreet is back, alright?
Member # 4412
posted
damn i'm a hardass.
Posts: 6454 | From: The Canada | Registered: Feb 2000
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Agent George
Mr. Family Entertainment
Member # 6907
posted
I like this part:
quote: “F-ck me….” xd stated
I can't wait until the movie is out.
-------------------- Give us the creed to believe in a night of lust. Give us trust in the night. Posts: 10166 | From: Kirkland, WA | Registered: Oct 2000
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Amidala777: “Aw come on, you know we only get 3 channels in Lando: news, porn, and the 24/7 Iron Chef marathon,” replied Goat.
Iron Chef Roolz.
-------------------- He's tall and he's dark, And like a shark, He looks for trouble, That's why the zero's double, Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Posts: 11781 | From: Lots of different places... | Registered: Jul 1999
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Kung Fu Jawa
Obviously not a golfer
Member # 13530
posted
quote:She grabbed the only weapon she had, a used condom, and flung it at Milkman. Smacking Milkman square in the face, he just gave a confused grunt as the condom slid off...
Hilarity ensued.
-------------------- "It's time to bring the ukulele back; size does not always count."~Bruce Springsteen Posts: 8086 | From: The room of the Wolfmother wallpaper. | Registered: Apr 2003
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lightsabre
backstreet is back, alright?
Member # 4412
posted
quote:Originally posted by Amidala777: “What? Like you trying to get laid? You and I both know that’s not happenin,” said xd, “F-ck, even Sabre got laid at the last shindig, Goat. You know, you’re not that ugly, look at him!” she continued, pointing at Sabre. “Hey, f-ck you, b!tch!” snapped Sabre.
i told her what was what.
Posts: 6454 | From: The Canada | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Cool story, Ami777! I'm flattered you think I'm 'leading man' material. Of all people I never thought lightsabre and I would be the main stars of this thing.
Very detailed work. You paint a picture very well in someone's mind....couldn't have taken you only 49 minutes. It's too well thought out.
-------------------- Austin - "I'd hit it...twice." Gargan - "And then JG would totally **** you up" Austin - "It would still be worth it." Posts: 13234 | From: Muncie, IN | Registered: Nov 2000
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lightsabre
backstreet is back, alright?
Member # 4412
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
